*Bobby Meets an Alcoholic

[Memento Mori]

Some non-draft related content to cleanse your palate. This is Bobby's fifth interview, the sixth part of a series in which an extremely British reporter interviews people associated with the DSFL/NSFL. You can read the intro piece that sets up the premise here.

Bobby's previous interviewees include:
Thomas Passmann of the Tijuana Luchadores
William Alexander of the Minnesota Grey Ducks
Zamir Kehla of the Portland Pythons
Leeroy Jenkins of the Myrtle Beach Buccaneers

For graders: give 100% to @Ephenssta because I took ages to write this one up and I'm rich enough already. The main body is 920 words.

The only thing more comforting than sitting down in the afternoon with a cup of tea and a plate of scones with jam and scream was the ear-piercing sound of Mr Chesterfield-Pemberton's voice through Bobby's phone.

"Bobby, old sport!" the man roared, loud enough that a less polite man would've shrieked in pain and chided him. "I've read your latest work. The young chaps in the DSFL seem rather boisterous, if I may say so"

"Whatever do you mean, Mr Chesterfield-Pemberton?" Bobby had never been one to criticise another human being under any circumstances. Doing so would be rude. "They've been an absolute pleasure to work with", he lied.

"Well, anyway," the editor continued, "I've managed to secure you an interview with an NSFL player this time around. He's a linebacker for the Philadelphia Liberty, a lad by the name of Warren Stephens. You're on the next flight to Philly, Giles will send you the details".

"Who's Gi-" Bobby began. But Mr Chesterfield-Pemberton had already hung up the phone.
-----

Warren Stephens was drafted with the #13 overall pick in the S20 NSFL Draft and plays as a linebacker for the Philadelphia Liberty. Prior to his NSFL debut, the Baylor University product played two seasons in the DSFL for the Myrtle Beach Buccaneers - where he was part of the team that lost the S20 Ultimini to the Minnesota Grey Ducks 28-3.

At least, that’s what came up when Bobby put Stephens’ name into Ask Jeeves, every good Englishman's favourite search engine, prior to the interview. Bobby wasn’t very sure what any of that meant, but it did give him enough information to write some interview questions.

"Thanks for sitting down with me today, Warren. I'm still learning your version of football. So, to start things off: what is a linebacker and why did you decide to play there?"

“I switched to LB for one single reason: stats. Safeties don't get enough stats. Linebackers see a lot more action and I want to be where the action is.”

"So would you say you're the kind of player who values individual achievement over team success?"

“Usually I'd say no, but in this case the team also needed a linebacker. So I both got to see my individual achievement line up with what will (hopefully) lead to team success”

“How have you adjusted to life in the NSFL? What’s the biggest difference compared to the DSFL?”

“By drinking lots of rum to cope with the fact that lots of people here are faster, stronger, and better than me. Obviously, I could fix all that by working out and improving my game, but drinking is easier. The biggest difference is that almost everyone is faster, stronger, and better than me.”

“Has the pain from Myrtle Beach’s heartbreaking Ultimini loss to Minnesota worn off yet? How has it motivated you?”

“I don't think that will ever wear off. That game sucked. But it does motivate me by wanting to make sure it never happens again to any team that I'm on. In fact, I think I'd like to inflict that kind of pain on another team someday.”

“Who is your least favourite player in the league? Are they a rival?”

“My least favorite is Tequila Sunrise. I mean who prefers tequila over rum?! Sure, he's a good guy and a fun drinking buddy, but deep down I'll never forgive him for that. There's your juicy gossip for the day.”

“Why do you like rum so much?”

“Because it's delicious and you can mix it with many things. I prefer my tropical, fruity, and sweet beverages and rum fits in so well with that kind of drink. Obviously I do drink other things once in a while, but rum is easily the best option for the kind of drinks that I prefer. And then spiced rum is just amazing for sipping on its own. One of my best memories is tied to spiced rum, so that also probably elevates rum in my mind.”

"Tell me more about this memory tied to spiced rum?"

“So in my younger days, I did a thing called Drum Corps International. Think like D1 marching band, where 16-22 year old kids go do marching band from May through August. It's intense and a lot of fun. You sleep in high school gyms and travel on tour busses. We got a free day in Minneapolis one day and I found a little sample of some very nice spiced rum. A couple days later we got an afternoon off to do laundry at some little ghetto laundry place and my seat partner and I shared the spiced rum and it was a really good time. Life was simpler back then. It was a good time.”

"Spiced, white, or dark rum?"

“I really like a good spiced rum for sipping. I don't really like it in mixed drinks, though. But I'll go with spiced because it's just so amazing as a standalone.”

“Have you kept to your commitment not to play sober again?”

“100%. And I'm proud of it.”

Bobby was a little concerned about this man's well-being and the long-term effects of excessive alcohol consumption, but Warren had been a very pleasant interviewee who hadn't hurt Bobby, or anyone else for that matter. He couldn't say the same about some of his interviewees. Content, he thanked Warren sincerely and wished the man well. Bobby thought he could get used to this, and that perhaps America wasn't such a bad country after all.

[Ephenssta]

Wait no, please don't pay me. I'm rich enough as is

[Memento Mori]

Wait no, please don't pay me. I'm rich enough as is

Imagine thinking $29m is rich lmao

[Ephenssta]

Imagine thinking $29m is rich lmao

I mean I did say "rich enough." That's more than enough to buy my equipment and trainings next season and that's really all I care about.

[Memento Mori]

I mean I did say "rich enough." That's more than enough to buy my equipment and trainings next season and that's really all I care about.

But how am I supposed to buy friendship if not with money? :thinking: