04-27-2024, 04:22 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-01-2024, 01:56 PM by lemonoppy. Edited 1 time in total.)
Split 25/25/25/25 @wetwilleh @SensibleDictator @jreed12 @griis
What yappens when two yappverses collide? A very special THE YAPPENING MIRROR!
CASINO TAKES IT TOO FAR!! MONEY POCKETED BY EMPLOYEES ROUSES THE ISFL?!
Yap:
W: I, like many other ISFL users, love gambling at the ISFL casino on the little dots running around on gameday. For the most part, the lines are exciting and genuinely can be a 50/50 when the games come around. While pushes can be the bane of everyone’s existence, there is a good chance of money actually being made from the casino. But with this money made comes the downfall of the casino. JDC and his many lackeys such as Croney have been seen to take absurd cuts from these bets to fill their pockets. The house always wins? No, the casino employees always win in this case. I myself have won multiple $5 million bets and have seen my winnings crumple before my eyes. They say only a $500k casino fee is taken out but when you think about it, that is someone's livelihood, filling the pockets of the greedy and stealing from the needy. We can see in the casino chat of the ISFL server almost every day that someone complains about the casino and their “fair” payouts. A recent case of this was @modpro doing the math, albeit it was wrong, on the payouts of the parlays versus the chance of someone actually getting the parlay correct. Again mentioning the 1/10 tax that the casino takes, we can clearly see the ‘power of exponentials’ that mathpro mentioned, especially on the larger parlays such as a 14 leg where the math doesn’t quite add up for the chance of actually winning. With the casino taking everyone’s attention from this issue by offering “free money” in the “50/50 raffle” which is very much not 50/50 by the way, everyone seems to ignore the fact that the casino is simply taking everyone’s money and getting no slack in the process. This casino tax that fills their pockets should be cut significantly in order for us simple gamblers to make a living instead of making a living for those that sit back and relax!!
Potential solutions for this could be a stricter casino policy to ensure that employees like Croney can’t pocket the cash or make it so a push gives half of the winnings instead of nothing at all. Obviously reducing the casino tax is the biggest solution but it seems unlikely that it would happen. 1/10 might not seem like a lot in the long run but that’s almost equal to a whole weekly training in pricing. 1/20 or 1/25 would make the most sense and could lead to more users betting in the casino if the money taken is not as much. The casino already makes plenty of money on bets from people losing so a tax is not necessary at this point in the ISFL. Please let us know how the casino has victimized you as well and we can begin to make a formal complaint to HO! This could be the start of something big.
H: Everybody’s favorite sportsbook may not be what you think. Most people love the sportsbook because they allow you to gamble to your heart’s content without facing any major restrictions and payouts are always fast. However, what if I told you that the casino was robbing you every time you won a bet? That there is deep corruption in the sportsbook world that is making you lose out on potential earnings? That’s right, you never get your full reward back off of a won bet. They take 10% of the money you put on the bet if you win it. This is robbery. Taking my money when I lose a bet is enough. They do not need to take a cut of what I earned through my hard work and research (looking at @Brad Woof’s betting media). If I win a bet with the 5 mil I put down on it, I should not only receive 4.5 mil in winnings. I should get double what I put in, the entire 5 mil. The casino should not be allowed to rob me of what I earned. The ISFL does NOT have an income tax so the taking of my earnings is illegal in the ISFL. They take enough of my money off of my lost bets. For example, I had a run of losing 24 mil straight to the casino. When I finally won big, they still felt the need to take their 10% even though I was handing them money for 3 sportsbooks in a row. This is not the only issue with the casino either. Thanks to modpro’s recent research in the casino chat, it has been brought to my attention that the parlay payouts are also unfair in terms of expected value. I am not going to act like I know every little thing about parlays and expected values but, according to modpro, parlays have diminishing expected values with the more legs you add. Also, every single parlay after 2 legs has a negative expected value. The casino is making it to where we are unfairly paid for winning our glorious 8 leg parlays which is something that I am not ok with. That is all without the 10% tax I talked about earlier. With that tax added in, every single parlay has an expected value less than -0.5 which is terrible. It makes it seem like parlays are not even worth it. For a 14 leg parlay to have the expected value payout, it is supposed to be a payout of nearly 16 billion. Instead, we are stuck with a payout of only 300 million. This is less than 2% of the expected return which is simply not good enough. I understand not wanting to break everything if somebody hits a 14 leg parlay, but it should at least be 50% of the expected value. This along with the tax they take from our earned winnings shows the true corruption in the sportsbook. Do not let them manipulate you into believing they are some innocent little sportsbook because they are not. They are getting away with robbery in broad daylight and that is just not ok. My form of protest will be never losing a bet again and taking all of their money. Feel free to join me.
Another issue that I have seen with the casino is their glorified 50/50 raffle. This is not what it is made out to be. Instead of being a true raffle where all of the money entered can go to the winner, the casino has the AUDACITY to take 50% of it and act like that is ok. The reality is, this is not ok. This has been completely overlooked by the ISFL community but I am here to bring it up. Not only are they taking our money, but this also heavily favors the upper class who can put in unmatched entries to the raffle. There is no limit on how many tickets you can buy. Because of this, some of the more wealthy users are very favored for this raffle. They can out enter almost everybody in the league which will give them a massive advantage in the raffle. For users with 1 billion ISFL dollars, they can include 12,500 tickets. That’s right, 12,500 tickets. They could double the amount of money that is in the pot right now if they wanted to. This raffle should be 1 payment that gives you 1 entry for the fairness of the league. This should not be a raffle that favors the wealthy. This should be a raffle that can change the course of somebody’s career with an injection of 300+ million ISFL dollars. To show how it favors the rich, I was able to spot 1 person with 750 tickets and 1 person with 500 tickets in the raffle compared to most people’s 35 tickets or less. I then went and checked their balance’s to find that they all had over 250 million ISFL dollars. They were both in the top 1% of the league wealth wise and they have a huge advantage because of the sheer quantity of tickets they could enter. I, for one, sincerely hope it goes to someone without much money and could only afford the 4 mil early bird tickets. I want to see a career changing winner, not someone who just gets to become more wealthy than the top 1%.
J: Now, this is a concept that pains me a great deal to yap about. However, when I was getting my journalism degree, I had to sign the Journalist’s Code of Ethics, which includes a clause: “Recognize a special obligation to serve as watchdogs over public affairs and government. Seek to ensure that the public’s business is conducted in the open, and that public records are open to all.”
As a watchdog for the ISFL, the ISFL Weekly Mirror must seek out corruption wherever we may find it, no matter who the perpetrator might be. This brings us to our dear friend JDC and his renowned Casino, and the heartbreaking trickery that is occurring right under his very nose.
That’s right, reader—it was recently divulged that the Casino takes a CUT of your hard earned ISFL money every time you cash out. The Casino has been one of the most reputable ways to invest and earn money in the league, and since gambling is such a skill-oriented endeavor, there is a tall barrier to entry for the average citizen of this league. And the Casino just waltzes in after your hard work is finished and SIPHONS off a cut of your good, precious money? Is this the kind of Casino you want to do business with, reader???
Now I know when we first outed the corruption of Raven and his Banks, we offered the Casino as a viable alternative. However, it seems like you truly can’t trust any financial institution in this league, as they all seek to utilize you as a pawn for generating revenue with the highest operating margin possible. But what could the Casino be seeking to gain in all this? According to a recent economics report by JDC on the state of the ISFL economy (kind of curious also that the Head of the Casinos is also on the committee of the ISFL Federal Reserve…) that one of the biggest causes of inflation in the league is due to the Casino’s generous payouts. So of course, it can be inferred that these CUTS the Casino has been taking are meant to reduce the overall money supply in the league and cull inflation. However, true as this may be, this only hurts the hard working hand of the investor, who visited the Casino in earnest in the hopes of making a better life for themselves and their players. This is merely hurting the plebians of the league, while I’m sure the greedy inner ring such as Raven and JDC and Head Office (HO) light their cigars and line their pockets with more and more of our precious money.
How do we curb the “rampant inflation” that exists within the league, you might ask? Well, this is where the Rookie Revolution and the Kickers Movement might come in handy. The time is ripe to strike—I believe that if we SEIZE THE ASSETS of the Bank and the Casino, we can transfer ownership to a group that has the best interest of the citizens in mind. Enter: the ISFL Weekly Mirror! My proposition is that if the ISFL Weekly Mirror ran the Banks and the Casino, we could easily implement strategies to keep the common citizen in mind and prospering without cutting through all this ridiculous red tape and bureaucracy. Down with the Casino!!!
G: Unlike Jreed, I never had to sign any “code of ethics”. Such a concept as a “Journalist’s Code of Ethics” is preposterous to begin with, as if any modern journalist has any. That’s what sets the Mirror apart from any other given publication. As a founder of the Mirror, I make sure not to abide by ridiculous doctrine meant to keep newcomers away from the people. I am a voice for the people, I refuse to play the game in the way designed by fat cats in their ivory towers who sneer at our readership and label us as rubes.
That is why it is so heartbreaking for me to consider that the Casino, an institution founded on similar premises and in direct opposition to Raven’s banks, has been wilfully robbing from our readership.
A casino is supposed to be a place where winners are forged from triumph over steel and stone. Banks and their meaningless figures are the antithesis of modern player slavery. Every week they tell you how much money you’re entitled to- as if those rules apply to them! Do you think Raven spends his days toiling over his keyboard like you and I? Of course not! He’s lining his pockets with your hard earned money, and issuing himself zero interest rate loans. I don’t even want to get into the scheme of Quantitative League Easing that him and his cronies in Head Office have devised.
And that’s why I thought JDC was the great bulwark against such an institution, riddled with corruption and greed. But alas the old adage is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. JDC is a mere mortal, and his casino is subject to the same laws that govern the rest of our society.
This is why I stand with Jreed in demanding action be taken. All casino assets should be forfeited to the people, via the People’s publication- the ISFL Weekly Mirror. ‘Nuf said.
Yap.
A NEW MOCK DRAFT IN THE MAKING!! AJ GM MOCK DRAFT HAS QUESTIONABLE RESULTS?!
Yap:
W: Everyone loves mock drafts, especially creative ones. However, the ISFL GM Ranking Mock Draft can’t go on any farther and we won’t stand for it. This new version of mock by @amjohnson636 and @"Bamford13" (booooo) is filled with sheer absurdity based on creativity in responses to made up questions?? In what world does one’s ability to lead and make decisive choices come down to if they can do a backflip or their opinion of music choices?? I am going to do an in depth look at these rankings and (will most definitely) make changes if needed to make a more accurate mock. First things first, let's actually look at the rankings given:
With these responses based on random made up questions, I’m instead going to revamp this with something we actually can visually see: activity and results. Now, I’m lazy and am not going to actually do research so this will be slightly opinionated but it's a mock so who cares! I want to look at each GMs actual activity in chat and other activities that happen around the league as well as how they have done in recent drafts and their overall record for this season. With that, let’s get into it.
1. Dude_man - BAL
BAL has been a dominant team and dude_man is extremely active. This is likely why they only gave AJ three responses before disappearing as their GMing is more important than a silly mock.
2. R0tzbua - BER
Similar to dude_man, r0tzbua ‘disappearing’ is simply being busy doing their league job and bringing BER back to glory.
3. Baz1757 - NOLA
How baz went at 27 I have no clue, he genuinely is awesome to talk with and has done good with NOLA in recent times.
4. Aeonsjenni - COL
The actual new GM of COL, I have spoken with Jenni from scouting and love talking with her. She’s active and although COL has had a rough go of it this season, is looking to rebuild with some great draft picks.
5. Firstfray - CHI
Love this pick for fray. After scouting talks, fray and CHI seem like a lot of fun and fray is extremely active as well to add to it.
6. Abh89 - SAR
While I don’t seem abh in the chat as often, he appears randomly enough to put him at 8. This paired with SAR having a competent season puts him here.
Okay I don’t feel like doing this anymore but you can probably see where I’m going with this. I have flipped AJ’s rankings completely as it should be because these initial rankings are all WRONG. @IceBear32 at 1?? As much as I love Ice (happy bday by the way), this is the biggest reach in the world and shows clear bias from AJ in these rankings. Also @lemonoppy at 19 instead of 32?? An actual lemon could have a successful season with the roster that Arizona has. This ranking is filled with bias and randomness that can only be fixed by flipping the rankings all together. This is the only way where it makes any sense. Another factor is not fading the retired GMs and putting the new GMs in their place such as aeonsjenni. While I enjoyed reading the section of the mock draft of these GMs, the actual ranking of them is far from perfect and we believe a redo should be done with an updated list and appropriate scoring for these ranks.
H: AJ released his GM rankings on April 3rd for all to read and, I will be honest, I was pretty disappointed. My first complaint is that there was not enough Icebear love. You mean to tell me that the best GM in the league only had 1 response that was deemed the best? I know a creative genius when I see one and that is just what Icebear is. I refuse to believe that Icebear was only deemed worthy of 1 “best answer” award. Based on his one “best answer” alone, I can already tell that he should have had more. I mean, Ferdinand on who to fight in a ring? What a pull from my glorious Honolulu Hahalua GM Icebear. Nobody else was going to pull out an answer like that. Thinking of a bull in a disney movie that was never able to fight in the ring because he was not violent is by far the best answer to a question I have ever seen. Icebear did not even get his own tier at the top for rankings like he so clearly deserves. Icebear is better than your poverty gm, deal with it.
Another issue that I had with this is the lack of extra answers that the GMs gave. Instead of including every answer that every GM gave to every question, AJ decided to give his opinions for his entire media by only including the answers that he believed were the best answers which is just not fair. It is totally subjective and nullifies the entire article. I wanted to read this article for facts about ALL GMs, not just a select few that AJ hand picked. I need to see every single answer that Icebear gave since we all know those are all the best. If AJ had included all of the answers, this would have made the article much better. Instead, it is just another media that may be referred to but forgotten by most.
The last of my issues is the length that we all had to wait to finally read this media. He had us waiting way too long, craving the GM rankings. I understand that this type of media takes longer than others but you should never over promise and under deliver when it comes to the media. The hoard will not be very happy with you. Unfortunately for AJ, I am part of the hoard and expressing my anger. Not only was he about 19 months late, but he was also unapologetic about being unbelievably late. He cursed out all of us patient people who were waiting and politely asking when it would be out. We showed kindness and got anger in return. I believe this anger affected AJ’s writing as well because he was constantly throwing haymakers at innocent GMs. It was truly unacceptable behavior which I hope moves out of our glorious ISFL community.
Ok fine. I will go over some things that I liked about this media. I thought the questions were the right level of creativity and applicable. They showed some important traits like critical thinking, athleticism, and aggression which are all key traits to becoming a GM. The questions were creative enough to where I would have had fun answering them myself. I cannot confirm if all the GMs enjoyed participating in this but the questions were left pretty open ended and with a lot of possible answers. It left them a ton of creative freedom to express who they are which I like. It also had some questions which were just straight up fun like “What is the best throwback video game?” This does not really have anything to do with becoming a GM but would just be a fun question to answer and justify in my opinion. Sidenote, I really like the Super Mario Sunshine answer from Steg here.
The other thing that AJ did well was putting Icebear number 1. This would have caused me to riot because Icebear is very clearly the best GM in the league. He is always active and also just has fun. For example, he runs pretty consistent hunger games for the Honolulu server which are always fun, especially when I die right after it seems like I am falling in love with someone (yes, I am salty that this happened like 3 times in the past 4). Icebear is the GOAT and there is no question about it. AJ got this one right.
J: AJ released his GM rankings recently, after edging the entirety of the league that he was going to drop media for what felt like three or four months. See, to the denizens of the ISFL, this may seem very uncouth for the new rising star in London. However, to us who know him well, this is typical AJ behavior. If there’s one thing AJ loves doing more than eating Jack’s pizza, it’s procrastination. “Oh yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow”. “Oh yeah, I’ll do it later this week”. “Oh yeah, maybe by next week”. Typical typical typical. Then, he posted a FAKE media that was really just three words trolling us all. The entire ISFL chat felt so betrayed when they realized it was all a sham, and the GM ranking media was going to be delayed even further than it already had. The ISFL Weekly Mirror would never betray our readers in this manner, and this is why people turn to us as a source of truth within this league, and why we win Geminis.
What followed was a work of complete and utter bullshit that should be an insult to any poor soul who felt compelled to read his media. For starters, due to the fact that AJ procrastinated this particular work so egregiously, some of the GM’s on this list aren’t even GMs anymore! For starters, MMFlex is on here, who was replaced by Lt. Hudz in S47. Our beloved Gadget did not get an interview either, even though he replaced Rotzuba as Fire Salamanders GM. The rankings themselves were at least decently thought out given the source material, though I did take particular offense to his propensity to INSULT my Fire Salamanders, and how he felt compelled to glaze the living daylights out of his own OCO GMs. What I in particular find so damning about AJ’s media are his choice of mind-numbing questions that don’t provide any sort of constructive narrative to a reader who might be turning to this piece, in earnest, to find out which kind of GM they’d like to play for. I had the opportunity to provide test responses for the panel of questions, and AJ “somehow” had me ranking close to last. So, let’s take a look at each and every one.
For starters, he asks: “Okay first things first, can you do a backflip if need be?” This is clearly targeted at individuals who aren’t flexible, like me, who can’t even do flips on the diving board unless inebriated.
—“What is the best throwback video game?” This is clearly ageist, because it’s going to appeal to the old heads like Toofpete and Croney. Sorry I didn’t own the Atari version 1 with five pixels and a glued on joystick and my first game device was a DS, but Lego Star Wars the Complete Saga is still the greatest game of all time. Argue with a wall.
—“If you had to banish your worst enemy to a state which state would that be? You may include a specific town if need be.” Well considering you come from one of the worst states in America (Missouri, literally Misery), you’re just trying to spin the narrative and project it on to other people.
—“Is Grant MacDonald one of the most influential music recording artists of the modern era?” Okay, now this is a good question, and it is of my utmost consideration if I were to be hiring a GM. See AJ, you’re not always swinging strikes in your media.
—“What are the odds you could kill a real-life version of your mascot?” Well of COURSE this is why everyone thinks that OCO is a bunch of animal-killing freaks, you imbeciles! KILL a version of your MASCOT??? Such as your mollusk-cracking little otters??? What on earth is wrong with you???
—“Following up with that. If you have been falsely accused of a crime and the only way out is trial by combat who are you putting in the arena? This can be anyone.” Of course you had to throw in these fancy legal concepts with your “law school education.” Well guess what? Nobody fucking cares! I don’t care! This sign can’t stop me because I can’t read! I don’t need a lawyer! In fact, I think America would be a way better place with LESS lawyers, and more truth-telling journalists who support the integrity of the media like me! Up yours, AJ!
G: What a fantastic piece of journalism that Mr. AJ has procolated for the league. While I didn’t read it, at a quick glance it appears he has ranked Mr. Icebear as the number one GM in the league. Who could take issue with that?
“Fuck it, gimme the practical dad of the league number 1”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Icebear shows what it means to be a leader. Many times during this tank (not my fault btw) Icebear has kept our team going headstrong. Every win we’ve deserved, every loss we haven’t. It’s quite simple.
As to if Icebear is holding AJ’s family hostage in Delaware? Seems unlikely. Icebear has confided in me that while he would like to motivate certain individuals in the league in such a manner, he simply doesn’t have the means to. That’s what I call a real ass dude. I’d like to see @Dewalt27 pull a maneuver like this. A rank 7 GM could never figure out how to pull this off.
The only travesty of AJ’s entire GM ranking was putting Lemonoppy at 19th. The gall of AJ to rank the man in charge of giving me money for media posts at 19 is simply astounding. He should be number 2, next to Icebear.
Yap.
IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE!! HOW THE LEAGUE IS RIPE WITH POWER?!
Yap:
W: There have been many cases of identity theft popping up all round the ISFL and DSFL servers. The prime users of this include eightytwo and @Thor who are occasionally spotted with the name, pfp, and flair of other users. The first case of this was eightytwo impersonating other users around the league such as negs, lemonoppy, Higbee and many many others. This caused confusion in the server with messaging and even led to some confusion in locker rooms as well. The POR locker room specifically got confused when lemonoppy randomly appeared in the POR server despite never being on the Pythons chat. There are many cases of this and many users have been the victim of this devious act of identity theft. The name change is not enough however. To actually put it off, the same pfp is taken and the same team flair is replaced in order to do virtually an exact copy. Another instance occurred when a McGriddy appeared past his bedtime which was actually Thor “in disguise”. Although Thor couldn’t get rid of his HO flair, he did pretend to be Griddy for a while until Griddy messaged Thor to stop which he eventually did. When even members of HO get in on this identity theft that is sweeping the league, we know something must be done.
These events eventually led to a PT being created which was:
“Identify Theft Is Not A Joke: Imagine you had the opportunity to swap places with any other player in the league, changing your position, team, and place on the depth chart. Who would you choose to swap with? What would you do in their place, and how would they do in yours? What might you do differently from them?”
With even the PT team being a part of this identity theft pandemic, who can we trust? Could it be that everyone isn’t who they say they are? Are we all multi’s tasked with impersonating others in the hopes that we can one day make the Hall of Fame as a multi?? While we have yet to see Thor go on another rampage with power and impersonation, and eightytwo seems to have stopped for the time being, there are still other cases of users being copied such as DL14 the other day. When will it stop, and what can we do to prevent this in the future? Because as the old saying goes, identity theft is not a joke Jim.
H: Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! All of the identity theft going on in the ISFL have one thing in common. Mr 82 himself, the greatest identity thief of all time. 82 has made many victims of this crime where some have been forgotten because he switches so much. I’m going to try and touch when 82 decided that your friendly neighborhood yapper, Tyler Higbee II, needed to have another user with the same exact appearance in the servers. I must say, I probably was not the best target because I am chronically online so there is not a big window to troll me in. I can’t really describe what he did in the darks while I was offline, but the interactions while I was online were quite odd. Obviously the first time I saw him as me, it caught me very off guard. I knew 82 was a man of shenanigans but I never expected myself to be a victim. It made for some fun interactions when it was just 82, as me, and I just talking in the general chat. It obviously was not super weird to me because I knew it was 82, but I cannot imagine opening discord to just see what appears to be Tyler Higbee II talking to himself.
Another victim was our very own WolfieBot. This even happened when WolfieBot was down which led to questioning if 82 committed a crime to become WolfieBot. This, however, was pretty fun in the Sneks discord server. 82 is the person who brings up tpe opportunities so it was hilarious to see him as a bot and it made sense. It was as if we had our own personal WolfieBot while the actual WolfieBot was down. This is one of the few thefts that I would say actually benefited people. It was easy to see that it was 82 because none of the answers were automated and he was basically a tpe bot for the Sneks server so I never missed any predictions.
I was actually able to get a list from 82 about everybody who he has been recently. The list consists of:
WolfieBot
MjölniRSS
Icebear
Croney
Lemon
Swoosh
Higbee
qWest
Toofpete
Wizard_Literal
zeagle
Tmoney
UptownCord
negs
Based on the list, it seems like GMs are the main threat to have their identity stolen. Be on the watch for this pesky criminal because your identity could be stolen next. Also, non GM users are not safe either as seen with Higbee and qWest. If you have been affected by 82’s identity theft, just remember you are not alone. Many people can help you get through this trying time.
J: Identity theft is truly no joke and is not a victimless crime. It is something that is running rampant within our league right now, especially at the hands of the nefarious Eightytwo. In order to understand what motivates somebody to commit such a heinous crime, I of course had to do what any reasonable journalist would do—put myself in the psychology of the culprit by walking in their shoes.
The next natural step was to commit identity fraud on @McGriddy10. In the heat of one of the usual Yappversations that occurs on any given day in gen chat, I snuck behind enemy lines and portrayed the very likeness of the Gridster, immediately weaving my way into conversation by emulating his antics.
Despite the color of my role being slightly off, and my SJS emoji not loading in properly, I was shocked by how few people actually caught on to my ruse. Muford from Head Office (HO) caught on first, followed shortly by Bamford, but it took me dialing the comments up to a greater and greater extreme in order to actually give myself away. @Crazytomato in particular was astounded, and tried to battle against my fake persona with a startling amount of frustration.
My biggest takeaway from all this is that identity theft can be an extremely dangerous game, especially on our impressionable malleable minds within this league. They will believe just about anything they read—and that’s a bad thing—so it’s important for upstanding media outlets to provide the highest standards of truth for our readers.
As for my takeaways from my act of identity theft? I must say, self-indulgently, that it is highly addicting, and I can make no promises about dabbling in it again.
G: Bravo Jreed. How perfectly he’s captured the essence of the Griddy yap. Meaningless dribble about P.E. class and glazing Tesla. Frankly, this should serve as a wakeup call to H.O. that gen chat yapping has no place in our league.
The Mirror reflected on the arrival of the well meaning and mostly correct AI bot last week. The implications of which must be explored. It yapped better than any yapper in the league, and had it been given free reign to yap further it would’ve cemented itself as the most prolific yapper the league had ever seen.
But what does this mean? To me, it serves as evidence that the Discord yapping payouts that head office is so eager to dish out week after week need to be done away with. We’re talking about rewarding behavior that a bot could easily and effortlessly mimic. It doesn’t sit right with me that yapping all day long and blowing up my Discord notifications is behavior that head office endorses.
I’m speaking against the necessity of my own publication here, founded upon reporting on this yapping. Without the yapping, what would we have to talk about? Statistics? Game results? Gaaw, certainly mind numbing material compared to keeping up with the yaps.
But as a gainfully employed user, I have no time to keep up with such yapping. And if the essence of the yap can be so perfectly emulated by a thoughtless machine, then what’s the point?
This brings me back to Jreed’s Griddy impression. If a mere human can perfectly summarize every Griddy contribution to gen chat, then what’s stopping us from offloading all yapping onto bots? And if we are offloading yapping onto bots, then what's the point of the payouts?
Food for thought.
Yap.
WHAT IS ZENZERONI PLANNING?! AN INSIDE LOOK AT THESE DEVIOUS SCHEMES!!
Yap:
W: User @lock180, mostly known around the league as “Zenzeroni” or “Zenzy” is the star K/P for the Yellow Knife Wraiths. A known yapper in the ISFL server, Zenzy took a brief hiatus from the chat so we’re speculating on what Zenzy has been working on recently. After some prodding by @Baron1898, Zenzy gave us a small glimpse on what might be to come. An image of a word document with 83 pages and 34,176 words is still in the works and it’s supposedly only halfway done. Is this the quest to maxing out the character/word limit or simply a Zenzy special media piece on aspects around the league? While Zenzy has posted a recent media in the time this article has been in the works, titled “zenzeroni is a nobody”, it’s short and sweet and talks about Zeneroni’s career in the ISFL so this can’t be the monster media piece as mentioned previously. Even comparing his media to that of Baron’s in the time it has taken to write confirms my suspicions that Zenzy is planning a massive article of the highest quality and a lot of research as well. While he mentions it contains a lot of “brain rot”, this type of media might just be what the league needs in the offseason to quench the thirst of the media hungry ISFL readers. Zenzy mentions that he is only doing this because of user lemonoppy who claims to just write media when you’re broke in the ISFL and I second this. Media is a great way to earn money as well as to be creative and have some fun when it is not game time. Given that lemon and Baron are the two media writer’s that Zenzy respects, we can expect a massive media piece that is of high quality, some nice stats, and even creativity as these large pieces do. Due to the actual character limit, I believe this will be split up into a series but thankfully not the “out of 52” that was in Zenzy’s name throughout the season. Thankfully, this was not about the media but instead how long the season was from Ultimus to Ultimus which makes so much more sense now from when we were speculating in a previous WHAT’S YAPPENING?! post. After some further probing in the chat, we learned that readers will need to “stock up on brain cells because you are going to need them to get through this” which is both frightening but intriguing at the same time.
After EVEN MORE probing, we have determined that this media piece actually might be a 56, yes 56, part media series with around 1000 words each. I think everyone can agree that the media team (myself included) will become very busy when this series is released. Aside from the day-to-day real life tasks that every user has to do, I am confident that Zenzy has been planning this astonishing monster of a media and I can’t wait to read it.
H: The truth is, nobody really knows what the crap Zenzy is going to do next. If I am being honest, I don’t think even Zenzy knows what he is going to do next. The only thing we have to base any predictions off of are the usernames of Zenzy which were covered in a previous Whats Yappening edition and his most recent media basically slandering his own player. I am going to run with these but I expect none of my predictions to be right since this man is so unbelievably unpredictable.
Roughly a month ago, we saw Zenzy experience a stage where his username was constantly changing. The only constants for a while were that there was a number and an alliteration. I have already talked about theories with this topic so I will not go too in depth but I believe this is for a media project. Now, I am not sure this media project will ever come out since he seemed to stop at #16 out of 56 (I believe) but I think this was all a plan for either a massive media with 56 paragraphs describing the meaning of each name or 56 unique medias for each unique name. Hopefully a media is still made about this because I am genuinely curious how it all connects and where it leads us. It would be a great read and would be an instant Gemini contender in my opinion.
The other option could be a new beginning. It is not often a player goes onto public forums to trash talk themselves but this is exactly what Zenzy decided to do. He basically attacked everything about Zenzeroni Xystarch II and talked about how bad he was performing this year. With a career field goal percentage of only 80.3%, these criticisms are not fully incorrect but it is still very rare that we see someone bring up their own flaws as a player. The way that the media was worded, it has me worried that Zenzy could be retiring our glorious kicker and creating new. This could all be a huge marketing ploy to try and get people prepared for his next massive media, but it seems like more than that. The media felt genuine. It would be a shame to see a great player like Zenzeroni Xystarch II have his career ended so early due to public critics attacking him from every direction.
J: The burning question has been on everyone’s minds—what has Zenzeroni been up to???
Well, you see, it all started after the legendary battle of S46, in which jabs were flying back and forth like heat-seeking missiles. Things reached a fever-pitch between myself and Zenzeroni as the season progressed, neither one of us willing to back down or relent to the other adversary. By the time the playoffs rolled around, Zenzeroni unleashed his ultimate attack: “The Case Against the WEAK-ly Mirror”, as it was known, was a scathing exposé that rendered any of my attacks completely powerless and left onlookers in complete and utter shock. At this moment, I had realized my great miscalculation: I had decided to fearlessly (and foolishly) challenge an opponent that I was woefully underprepared for, and was hilariously outgunned in every sense of the word.
After the dust settled on this legendary battle, Zenzeroni suddenly—and unexpectedly—retreated into the shadows. In an off-the-books conversation with the noodle man on the eve of the Ultimus, he confided to me that he was going to take a Sabbatical for the duration of S47 and let the ISFL Weekly Mirror continue to enjoy our newfound success. However, he still wanted to send one last punishing blow from the grave. He ominously taunted the fact that the soon-to-be Gemini winners would have one last piece of dirt dug up about them that “the world needs to know about their new overlords” (Xystarch). Of course, this brought me like bait on a hook, and I couldn’t resist knowing more about what the devious trickster had planned. However, Xystarch cunningly divulged very little, and left the editors at the Mirror nervously pacing for the sabotage we were apt to receive.
Xystarch divulged, before disappearing into the night before the Ultimus, by saying to me: “The next chapter in the media age will be one for the history books. I have no doubt about that. And I look forward to reading it from the comfort of my mansion on the beachfront sipping away on a margarita as the ISFL crumbles under the power of the Weekly Mirror….The Joker will return. I appreciate you being the filler storyline while I take a short leave.”
The aforementioned “sabotage” ended up coming in the form of one particular McGriddy, who was a former intern at the Weekly Mirror for a time, which was the equivalent to a gnat in my ear after shaking the Xystarch hornet’s nest. While Griddy has always been a good friend, and I knew that he had simply lost his way and become corrupted by the noodle man, I could not let a transgression go unchecked. I swiftly dismissed him in a media response, as it felt unfair to go too harshly against a media writer so far beneath my power levels.
However, things got interesting when the noodle man suddenly broke his silence on April 1, with a resounding return to media:
“Jreed12 is the best media writer ever”, by Zenzeroni Xystarch, II.
Well, as any clever trickster would know, flattery is my weakness, second only to monetary gain. Zenzeroni crafted an illustrious display of peacockery, weaving his words to delight my Monday morning. Furthermore, he started the now infamous catchphrase, “The Weekly Mirror is not Weak!”, which led me to believe he had turned a new leaf in his hiatus and was now deciding to take a more wholesome, ethical route. For this, I believed that Zenzeroni and I had a truce, some might even call it, a friendship?
So, in this regard, it was only natural that I reached out to my new pal Zenzeroni to share with him my ultimate vision. This was a dream I had hatched way back in the infancy of S46—a collaborative media effort of which the ISFL had never seen before. At first, I believed my collaboration would come in the form of a self-prescribed “Big 3”, teaming up with the other top media writers at the time, Tim Riggins and Brad Woof, to unite in a joint force of power. However, before I could bring them to a meeting to divulge my ultimate plan, Riggins decided to take a break from the media, and Brad Woof sadly falsely accused the Weekly Mirror of corrupting new rookies to write under his name. For the time being, the dream had fallen apart.
Now, without divulging too much of my plan that I had brought to light, the Zen man unfortunately didn’t bite; rather, he divulged to me a plan of his own. Gone are the days of chaos-fueled media that thrives upon conflicts with others, in what he described as a “reset”. When asked for more detail about what this “reset” might entail, Zenzeroni merely replied with this one damning screenshot:
After my discussion with Zenzeroni, I had a bit of an intervention of fate, which came in the form of one particular Yapper coincidentally ringing my line. Infamous Yapper Tyler Higbee II, of the “What’s Yappening!?” clan, asked to do a “partnership” with the Weekly Mirror to show we didn’t have media animosity. In fact, he seemed to have many of the same goals that I had: to combine our collective powers into a collaborative media effort to assert ultimate dominance. Higbee quickly brought the Weekly Mirror and What’s Yappening!? together to enter talks regarding this exciting new partnership. Was it fate? Was this destined to be the plan all along?
Meanwhile in Zenzyland, just days after our new Yappening Mirror partnership was formed, I received a very ominous message:
In order to see what all the racket was about, I immediately whisked down to Zenzy’s hideaway in Cancun in order to have a face-to-face interview with my new pal. When I entered his villa, I found the most unsettling sight—the lights were shut off, pizza boxes on the floor everywhere, and no matter where I stepped, I seemed to churn up rats or cockroaches. The entire place reeked of stale pasta, a glutenous stench so pungent I could barely even tolerate it. And there he was—my long time nemesis sat before me on a recliner, with his signature chef’s hat tattered and frayed atop his head.
I was so stunned by the squalor that I almost forgot my intention in coming down here: to see if I could crack the code of Xystarch’s secret plan, once and for all. I stammered the first thing I could think of— “I thought we had a truce?”
“I was merely stating a fact,” Zenzy croaked, as he pulled out a pile of dozens upon dozens of spiral notebooks out of a box sitting next to him. “About halfway done if my calculations are correct.”
He yanked a notebook off the stack and flipped through it, showing me pages at random. I recoiled back in horror. It was page after page of chicken scratch, diagrams, and entire swaths of paragraphs scribbled out furiously only to be rewritten again.
I chuckled anxiously. “How many times you mention your good old pal Jreed in those?”
Zenzeroni stared at me intently, with two beady macaroni eyes that pierced right into my soul. Then he smiled, and began to start laughing maniacally. Even in the tropical heat, my spine was colder than ice. “Oh Jreed…” Zenzy trailed off, before digging his spaghetti fingers into the rotting arms of the recliner, “Why would I include YOU in MY masterpiece?”
Before I could hardly retort, Zenzeroni sprung out of his chair and got right up within an inch of my face.
— “I've learned one thing after writing about other people. There is one common thing about all of them. They all need ME. THIS STORY IS ABOUT ME. I HAVE MADE THIS LEAGUE WHAT IT IS AND WHERE IT IS. YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT SOMEONE TAKING A JAB AT ME. THEY ARE JEALOUS OF ME. THIS LEAGUE HAS BEEN BEAT DOWN SO MUCH THAT THEIR ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS FROM A 17 YEAR OLD CHILD.”
At this point, I nervously started backing towards the door, hoping to make a run for it on foot if shit hit the fan. However, Zenzeroni calmed down, and gave me a cunning grin.
“The league has spiraled without me and will rejoice upon my return. You will see. They'll all see…” Zenzy trailed off.
I tried to see if I could appease the noodle man, by asking him if his frustrations were directed at a certain McGriddy. I mused: “But he doesn’t even have a Gemini.”
Zenzy responded: “Oh I’m not WRITING about him. I’m just informing you of the state the league is in right now. SHAMBLES, I tell you. SHAMBLES. You never know how much you miss someone until they’re gone, and the league is learning that lesson with ME.”
Of course, in my unadulterated hubris, I had to ask the question that may have been the straw to break the camel’s back. “What do you hope to achieve in all this? Recognition, salvation of the league, another Gemini?”
Zenzeroni tapped on his chin with a wispy spaghetti finger before replying: “All of the above? There will be so much of me, it will become the ZSFL. The Zenzeroni era as we will come to know it will have reached its peak…” as he trailed off and began to start cackling maniacally and uncontrollably.
As he reveled at revealing his terrifying secret plan, I used the cacophony to quickly make a break for the door and run out of the villa. I knew I had to get back immediately to safe territory. This bodes as a warning: there is a storm coming, the likes of which we have never witnessed before. When Zenzeroni returns—and he will, with a vengeance—you better be on his good side. The ISFL must brace for impact for the onslaught of vernacular that will be unleashed upon us all. May God have mercy on our souls.
G: What is the deal with Zenzeroni? Dear reader, it is quite clear to me. The chip implanted in Zenzeroni’s brain is causing early onset schizophrenia. He doesn’t even deny this is the case. On more than one occasion I’ve suggested particular medication and recommended that he follow his physician’s advice in taking a strict regiment of pills to keep his brain functioning, but alas it is eating him alive and I worry it may be too late.
I’d recommend that all readers of this publication reach out and offer their help as a sort of decentralized intervention. He needs to understand that we all care for him and wish to see him get better. In the interim, however, we cannot continue to indulge his insane fantasies. Every time he writes an article it must be examined to the furthest extent possible. He needs to be fact checked so that he can understand that his ramblings are only the artifacts of a condition that affects many Americans, even those abroad laying on beaches in obscure isles.
The bottom line - what Zenzy has is treatable. One day he can function happily and healthily. But until then he cannot be indulged. The onus is on Yappening-Mirror readership to help this poor man.
Beyond this I have no desire to inflame our relationship with his poor demented mind. My colleagues have provided the necessary documentation of his irrational behavior through screenshots and quotations. He has a pension to become enraged upon reading such well presented arguments and evidence. As such, I will not be including any more screenshots or evidence in my section of this column.
If you’re reading this Zenzy, I hope you get better. Please reach out to me if there is anything I can do for you.
Yap.
What yappens when two yappverses collide? A very special THE YAPPENING MIRROR!
CASINO TAKES IT TOO FAR!! MONEY POCKETED BY EMPLOYEES ROUSES THE ISFL?!
Yap:
W: I, like many other ISFL users, love gambling at the ISFL casino on the little dots running around on gameday. For the most part, the lines are exciting and genuinely can be a 50/50 when the games come around. While pushes can be the bane of everyone’s existence, there is a good chance of money actually being made from the casino. But with this money made comes the downfall of the casino. JDC and his many lackeys such as Croney have been seen to take absurd cuts from these bets to fill their pockets. The house always wins? No, the casino employees always win in this case. I myself have won multiple $5 million bets and have seen my winnings crumple before my eyes. They say only a $500k casino fee is taken out but when you think about it, that is someone's livelihood, filling the pockets of the greedy and stealing from the needy. We can see in the casino chat of the ISFL server almost every day that someone complains about the casino and their “fair” payouts. A recent case of this was @modpro doing the math, albeit it was wrong, on the payouts of the parlays versus the chance of someone actually getting the parlay correct. Again mentioning the 1/10 tax that the casino takes, we can clearly see the ‘power of exponentials’ that mathpro mentioned, especially on the larger parlays such as a 14 leg where the math doesn’t quite add up for the chance of actually winning. With the casino taking everyone’s attention from this issue by offering “free money” in the “50/50 raffle” which is very much not 50/50 by the way, everyone seems to ignore the fact that the casino is simply taking everyone’s money and getting no slack in the process. This casino tax that fills their pockets should be cut significantly in order for us simple gamblers to make a living instead of making a living for those that sit back and relax!!
Potential solutions for this could be a stricter casino policy to ensure that employees like Croney can’t pocket the cash or make it so a push gives half of the winnings instead of nothing at all. Obviously reducing the casino tax is the biggest solution but it seems unlikely that it would happen. 1/10 might not seem like a lot in the long run but that’s almost equal to a whole weekly training in pricing. 1/20 or 1/25 would make the most sense and could lead to more users betting in the casino if the money taken is not as much. The casino already makes plenty of money on bets from people losing so a tax is not necessary at this point in the ISFL. Please let us know how the casino has victimized you as well and we can begin to make a formal complaint to HO! This could be the start of something big.
H: Everybody’s favorite sportsbook may not be what you think. Most people love the sportsbook because they allow you to gamble to your heart’s content without facing any major restrictions and payouts are always fast. However, what if I told you that the casino was robbing you every time you won a bet? That there is deep corruption in the sportsbook world that is making you lose out on potential earnings? That’s right, you never get your full reward back off of a won bet. They take 10% of the money you put on the bet if you win it. This is robbery. Taking my money when I lose a bet is enough. They do not need to take a cut of what I earned through my hard work and research (looking at @Brad Woof’s betting media). If I win a bet with the 5 mil I put down on it, I should not only receive 4.5 mil in winnings. I should get double what I put in, the entire 5 mil. The casino should not be allowed to rob me of what I earned. The ISFL does NOT have an income tax so the taking of my earnings is illegal in the ISFL. They take enough of my money off of my lost bets. For example, I had a run of losing 24 mil straight to the casino. When I finally won big, they still felt the need to take their 10% even though I was handing them money for 3 sportsbooks in a row. This is not the only issue with the casino either. Thanks to modpro’s recent research in the casino chat, it has been brought to my attention that the parlay payouts are also unfair in terms of expected value. I am not going to act like I know every little thing about parlays and expected values but, according to modpro, parlays have diminishing expected values with the more legs you add. Also, every single parlay after 2 legs has a negative expected value. The casino is making it to where we are unfairly paid for winning our glorious 8 leg parlays which is something that I am not ok with. That is all without the 10% tax I talked about earlier. With that tax added in, every single parlay has an expected value less than -0.5 which is terrible. It makes it seem like parlays are not even worth it. For a 14 leg parlay to have the expected value payout, it is supposed to be a payout of nearly 16 billion. Instead, we are stuck with a payout of only 300 million. This is less than 2% of the expected return which is simply not good enough. I understand not wanting to break everything if somebody hits a 14 leg parlay, but it should at least be 50% of the expected value. This along with the tax they take from our earned winnings shows the true corruption in the sportsbook. Do not let them manipulate you into believing they are some innocent little sportsbook because they are not. They are getting away with robbery in broad daylight and that is just not ok. My form of protest will be never losing a bet again and taking all of their money. Feel free to join me.
Another issue that I have seen with the casino is their glorified 50/50 raffle. This is not what it is made out to be. Instead of being a true raffle where all of the money entered can go to the winner, the casino has the AUDACITY to take 50% of it and act like that is ok. The reality is, this is not ok. This has been completely overlooked by the ISFL community but I am here to bring it up. Not only are they taking our money, but this also heavily favors the upper class who can put in unmatched entries to the raffle. There is no limit on how many tickets you can buy. Because of this, some of the more wealthy users are very favored for this raffle. They can out enter almost everybody in the league which will give them a massive advantage in the raffle. For users with 1 billion ISFL dollars, they can include 12,500 tickets. That’s right, 12,500 tickets. They could double the amount of money that is in the pot right now if they wanted to. This raffle should be 1 payment that gives you 1 entry for the fairness of the league. This should not be a raffle that favors the wealthy. This should be a raffle that can change the course of somebody’s career with an injection of 300+ million ISFL dollars. To show how it favors the rich, I was able to spot 1 person with 750 tickets and 1 person with 500 tickets in the raffle compared to most people’s 35 tickets or less. I then went and checked their balance’s to find that they all had over 250 million ISFL dollars. They were both in the top 1% of the league wealth wise and they have a huge advantage because of the sheer quantity of tickets they could enter. I, for one, sincerely hope it goes to someone without much money and could only afford the 4 mil early bird tickets. I want to see a career changing winner, not someone who just gets to become more wealthy than the top 1%.
J: Now, this is a concept that pains me a great deal to yap about. However, when I was getting my journalism degree, I had to sign the Journalist’s Code of Ethics, which includes a clause: “Recognize a special obligation to serve as watchdogs over public affairs and government. Seek to ensure that the public’s business is conducted in the open, and that public records are open to all.”
As a watchdog for the ISFL, the ISFL Weekly Mirror must seek out corruption wherever we may find it, no matter who the perpetrator might be. This brings us to our dear friend JDC and his renowned Casino, and the heartbreaking trickery that is occurring right under his very nose.
That’s right, reader—it was recently divulged that the Casino takes a CUT of your hard earned ISFL money every time you cash out. The Casino has been one of the most reputable ways to invest and earn money in the league, and since gambling is such a skill-oriented endeavor, there is a tall barrier to entry for the average citizen of this league. And the Casino just waltzes in after your hard work is finished and SIPHONS off a cut of your good, precious money? Is this the kind of Casino you want to do business with, reader???
Now I know when we first outed the corruption of Raven and his Banks, we offered the Casino as a viable alternative. However, it seems like you truly can’t trust any financial institution in this league, as they all seek to utilize you as a pawn for generating revenue with the highest operating margin possible. But what could the Casino be seeking to gain in all this? According to a recent economics report by JDC on the state of the ISFL economy (kind of curious also that the Head of the Casinos is also on the committee of the ISFL Federal Reserve…) that one of the biggest causes of inflation in the league is due to the Casino’s generous payouts. So of course, it can be inferred that these CUTS the Casino has been taking are meant to reduce the overall money supply in the league and cull inflation. However, true as this may be, this only hurts the hard working hand of the investor, who visited the Casino in earnest in the hopes of making a better life for themselves and their players. This is merely hurting the plebians of the league, while I’m sure the greedy inner ring such as Raven and JDC and Head Office (HO) light their cigars and line their pockets with more and more of our precious money.
How do we curb the “rampant inflation” that exists within the league, you might ask? Well, this is where the Rookie Revolution and the Kickers Movement might come in handy. The time is ripe to strike—I believe that if we SEIZE THE ASSETS of the Bank and the Casino, we can transfer ownership to a group that has the best interest of the citizens in mind. Enter: the ISFL Weekly Mirror! My proposition is that if the ISFL Weekly Mirror ran the Banks and the Casino, we could easily implement strategies to keep the common citizen in mind and prospering without cutting through all this ridiculous red tape and bureaucracy. Down with the Casino!!!
G: Unlike Jreed, I never had to sign any “code of ethics”. Such a concept as a “Journalist’s Code of Ethics” is preposterous to begin with, as if any modern journalist has any. That’s what sets the Mirror apart from any other given publication. As a founder of the Mirror, I make sure not to abide by ridiculous doctrine meant to keep newcomers away from the people. I am a voice for the people, I refuse to play the game in the way designed by fat cats in their ivory towers who sneer at our readership and label us as rubes.
That is why it is so heartbreaking for me to consider that the Casino, an institution founded on similar premises and in direct opposition to Raven’s banks, has been wilfully robbing from our readership.
A casino is supposed to be a place where winners are forged from triumph over steel and stone. Banks and their meaningless figures are the antithesis of modern player slavery. Every week they tell you how much money you’re entitled to- as if those rules apply to them! Do you think Raven spends his days toiling over his keyboard like you and I? Of course not! He’s lining his pockets with your hard earned money, and issuing himself zero interest rate loans. I don’t even want to get into the scheme of Quantitative League Easing that him and his cronies in Head Office have devised.
And that’s why I thought JDC was the great bulwark against such an institution, riddled with corruption and greed. But alas the old adage is true. Absolute power corrupts absolutely. JDC is a mere mortal, and his casino is subject to the same laws that govern the rest of our society.
This is why I stand with Jreed in demanding action be taken. All casino assets should be forfeited to the people, via the People’s publication- the ISFL Weekly Mirror. ‘Nuf said.
Yap.
A NEW MOCK DRAFT IN THE MAKING!! AJ GM MOCK DRAFT HAS QUESTIONABLE RESULTS?!
Yap:
W: Everyone loves mock drafts, especially creative ones. However, the ISFL GM Ranking Mock Draft can’t go on any farther and we won’t stand for it. This new version of mock by @amjohnson636 and @"Bamford13" (booooo) is filled with sheer absurdity based on creativity in responses to made up questions?? In what world does one’s ability to lead and make decisive choices come down to if they can do a backflip or their opinion of music choices?? I am going to do an in depth look at these rankings and (will most definitely) make changes if needed to make a more accurate mock. First things first, let's actually look at the rankings given:
- Icebear32 - HON
- iStegosauruz - COL
- Unconfident - AUS
- Jeffie43 - YKW
- Beck - OCO (retired) → No current replacement
- Wizard_literal - NYS
- Dewalt27 - BER
- Painted - CHI
- RussDrivesTheBus - SJS
- TubaDeus - YKW
- Repgnar - NYS
- MMFLEX - HON (retired) → LtHudz
- UptownCord - OCO
- Negs - CTC
- Swoosh - BAL
- PugWalrus - AUS
- Kotasa - AZ
- Ckroyal92 - SJS
- Lemonoppy - AZ
- Toofpete - NOLA
- Sizz - SAR
- Swankypants31 - BAL
- Lordcoolcats - CTC
- Abh89 - SAR
- Firstfray - CHI
- Ephenssta - COL (retired) → Jenni
- Baz1757 - NOLA
- R0tzbua - BER
- Dude_man - BAL
With these responses based on random made up questions, I’m instead going to revamp this with something we actually can visually see: activity and results. Now, I’m lazy and am not going to actually do research so this will be slightly opinionated but it's a mock so who cares! I want to look at each GMs actual activity in chat and other activities that happen around the league as well as how they have done in recent drafts and their overall record for this season. With that, let’s get into it.
1. Dude_man - BAL
BAL has been a dominant team and dude_man is extremely active. This is likely why they only gave AJ three responses before disappearing as their GMing is more important than a silly mock.
2. R0tzbua - BER
Similar to dude_man, r0tzbua ‘disappearing’ is simply being busy doing their league job and bringing BER back to glory.
3. Baz1757 - NOLA
How baz went at 27 I have no clue, he genuinely is awesome to talk with and has done good with NOLA in recent times.
4. Aeonsjenni - COL
The actual new GM of COL, I have spoken with Jenni from scouting and love talking with her. She’s active and although COL has had a rough go of it this season, is looking to rebuild with some great draft picks.
5. Firstfray - CHI
Love this pick for fray. After scouting talks, fray and CHI seem like a lot of fun and fray is extremely active as well to add to it.
6. Abh89 - SAR
While I don’t seem abh in the chat as often, he appears randomly enough to put him at 8. This paired with SAR having a competent season puts him here.
Okay I don’t feel like doing this anymore but you can probably see where I’m going with this. I have flipped AJ’s rankings completely as it should be because these initial rankings are all WRONG. @IceBear32 at 1?? As much as I love Ice (happy bday by the way), this is the biggest reach in the world and shows clear bias from AJ in these rankings. Also @lemonoppy at 19 instead of 32?? An actual lemon could have a successful season with the roster that Arizona has. This ranking is filled with bias and randomness that can only be fixed by flipping the rankings all together. This is the only way where it makes any sense. Another factor is not fading the retired GMs and putting the new GMs in their place such as aeonsjenni. While I enjoyed reading the section of the mock draft of these GMs, the actual ranking of them is far from perfect and we believe a redo should be done with an updated list and appropriate scoring for these ranks.
H: AJ released his GM rankings on April 3rd for all to read and, I will be honest, I was pretty disappointed. My first complaint is that there was not enough Icebear love. You mean to tell me that the best GM in the league only had 1 response that was deemed the best? I know a creative genius when I see one and that is just what Icebear is. I refuse to believe that Icebear was only deemed worthy of 1 “best answer” award. Based on his one “best answer” alone, I can already tell that he should have had more. I mean, Ferdinand on who to fight in a ring? What a pull from my glorious Honolulu Hahalua GM Icebear. Nobody else was going to pull out an answer like that. Thinking of a bull in a disney movie that was never able to fight in the ring because he was not violent is by far the best answer to a question I have ever seen. Icebear did not even get his own tier at the top for rankings like he so clearly deserves. Icebear is better than your poverty gm, deal with it.
Another issue that I had with this is the lack of extra answers that the GMs gave. Instead of including every answer that every GM gave to every question, AJ decided to give his opinions for his entire media by only including the answers that he believed were the best answers which is just not fair. It is totally subjective and nullifies the entire article. I wanted to read this article for facts about ALL GMs, not just a select few that AJ hand picked. I need to see every single answer that Icebear gave since we all know those are all the best. If AJ had included all of the answers, this would have made the article much better. Instead, it is just another media that may be referred to but forgotten by most.
The last of my issues is the length that we all had to wait to finally read this media. He had us waiting way too long, craving the GM rankings. I understand that this type of media takes longer than others but you should never over promise and under deliver when it comes to the media. The hoard will not be very happy with you. Unfortunately for AJ, I am part of the hoard and expressing my anger. Not only was he about 19 months late, but he was also unapologetic about being unbelievably late. He cursed out all of us patient people who were waiting and politely asking when it would be out. We showed kindness and got anger in return. I believe this anger affected AJ’s writing as well because he was constantly throwing haymakers at innocent GMs. It was truly unacceptable behavior which I hope moves out of our glorious ISFL community.
Ok fine. I will go over some things that I liked about this media. I thought the questions were the right level of creativity and applicable. They showed some important traits like critical thinking, athleticism, and aggression which are all key traits to becoming a GM. The questions were creative enough to where I would have had fun answering them myself. I cannot confirm if all the GMs enjoyed participating in this but the questions were left pretty open ended and with a lot of possible answers. It left them a ton of creative freedom to express who they are which I like. It also had some questions which were just straight up fun like “What is the best throwback video game?” This does not really have anything to do with becoming a GM but would just be a fun question to answer and justify in my opinion. Sidenote, I really like the Super Mario Sunshine answer from Steg here.
The other thing that AJ did well was putting Icebear number 1. This would have caused me to riot because Icebear is very clearly the best GM in the league. He is always active and also just has fun. For example, he runs pretty consistent hunger games for the Honolulu server which are always fun, especially when I die right after it seems like I am falling in love with someone (yes, I am salty that this happened like 3 times in the past 4). Icebear is the GOAT and there is no question about it. AJ got this one right.
J: AJ released his GM rankings recently, after edging the entirety of the league that he was going to drop media for what felt like three or four months. See, to the denizens of the ISFL, this may seem very uncouth for the new rising star in London. However, to us who know him well, this is typical AJ behavior. If there’s one thing AJ loves doing more than eating Jack’s pizza, it’s procrastination. “Oh yeah, I’ll do it tomorrow”. “Oh yeah, I’ll do it later this week”. “Oh yeah, maybe by next week”. Typical typical typical. Then, he posted a FAKE media that was really just three words trolling us all. The entire ISFL chat felt so betrayed when they realized it was all a sham, and the GM ranking media was going to be delayed even further than it already had. The ISFL Weekly Mirror would never betray our readers in this manner, and this is why people turn to us as a source of truth within this league, and why we win Geminis.
What followed was a work of complete and utter bullshit that should be an insult to any poor soul who felt compelled to read his media. For starters, due to the fact that AJ procrastinated this particular work so egregiously, some of the GM’s on this list aren’t even GMs anymore! For starters, MMFlex is on here, who was replaced by Lt. Hudz in S47. Our beloved Gadget did not get an interview either, even though he replaced Rotzuba as Fire Salamanders GM. The rankings themselves were at least decently thought out given the source material, though I did take particular offense to his propensity to INSULT my Fire Salamanders, and how he felt compelled to glaze the living daylights out of his own OCO GMs. What I in particular find so damning about AJ’s media are his choice of mind-numbing questions that don’t provide any sort of constructive narrative to a reader who might be turning to this piece, in earnest, to find out which kind of GM they’d like to play for. I had the opportunity to provide test responses for the panel of questions, and AJ “somehow” had me ranking close to last. So, let’s take a look at each and every one.
For starters, he asks: “Okay first things first, can you do a backflip if need be?” This is clearly targeted at individuals who aren’t flexible, like me, who can’t even do flips on the diving board unless inebriated.
—“What is the best throwback video game?” This is clearly ageist, because it’s going to appeal to the old heads like Toofpete and Croney. Sorry I didn’t own the Atari version 1 with five pixels and a glued on joystick and my first game device was a DS, but Lego Star Wars the Complete Saga is still the greatest game of all time. Argue with a wall.
—“If you had to banish your worst enemy to a state which state would that be? You may include a specific town if need be.” Well considering you come from one of the worst states in America (Missouri, literally Misery), you’re just trying to spin the narrative and project it on to other people.
—“Is Grant MacDonald one of the most influential music recording artists of the modern era?” Okay, now this is a good question, and it is of my utmost consideration if I were to be hiring a GM. See AJ, you’re not always swinging strikes in your media.
—“What are the odds you could kill a real-life version of your mascot?” Well of COURSE this is why everyone thinks that OCO is a bunch of animal-killing freaks, you imbeciles! KILL a version of your MASCOT??? Such as your mollusk-cracking little otters??? What on earth is wrong with you???
—“Following up with that. If you have been falsely accused of a crime and the only way out is trial by combat who are you putting in the arena? This can be anyone.” Of course you had to throw in these fancy legal concepts with your “law school education.” Well guess what? Nobody fucking cares! I don’t care! This sign can’t stop me because I can’t read! I don’t need a lawyer! In fact, I think America would be a way better place with LESS lawyers, and more truth-telling journalists who support the integrity of the media like me! Up yours, AJ!
G: What a fantastic piece of journalism that Mr. AJ has procolated for the league. While I didn’t read it, at a quick glance it appears he has ranked Mr. Icebear as the number one GM in the league. Who could take issue with that?
“Fuck it, gimme the practical dad of the league number 1”. I couldn’t have said it better myself. Icebear shows what it means to be a leader. Many times during this tank (not my fault btw) Icebear has kept our team going headstrong. Every win we’ve deserved, every loss we haven’t. It’s quite simple.
As to if Icebear is holding AJ’s family hostage in Delaware? Seems unlikely. Icebear has confided in me that while he would like to motivate certain individuals in the league in such a manner, he simply doesn’t have the means to. That’s what I call a real ass dude. I’d like to see @Dewalt27 pull a maneuver like this. A rank 7 GM could never figure out how to pull this off.
The only travesty of AJ’s entire GM ranking was putting Lemonoppy at 19th. The gall of AJ to rank the man in charge of giving me money for media posts at 19 is simply astounding. He should be number 2, next to Icebear.
Yap.
IDENTITY THEFT IS NOT A JOKE!! HOW THE LEAGUE IS RIPE WITH POWER?!
Yap:
W: There have been many cases of identity theft popping up all round the ISFL and DSFL servers. The prime users of this include eightytwo and @Thor who are occasionally spotted with the name, pfp, and flair of other users. The first case of this was eightytwo impersonating other users around the league such as negs, lemonoppy, Higbee and many many others. This caused confusion in the server with messaging and even led to some confusion in locker rooms as well. The POR locker room specifically got confused when lemonoppy randomly appeared in the POR server despite never being on the Pythons chat. There are many cases of this and many users have been the victim of this devious act of identity theft. The name change is not enough however. To actually put it off, the same pfp is taken and the same team flair is replaced in order to do virtually an exact copy. Another instance occurred when a McGriddy appeared past his bedtime which was actually Thor “in disguise”. Although Thor couldn’t get rid of his HO flair, he did pretend to be Griddy for a while until Griddy messaged Thor to stop which he eventually did. When even members of HO get in on this identity theft that is sweeping the league, we know something must be done.
These events eventually led to a PT being created which was:
“Identify Theft Is Not A Joke: Imagine you had the opportunity to swap places with any other player in the league, changing your position, team, and place on the depth chart. Who would you choose to swap with? What would you do in their place, and how would they do in yours? What might you do differently from them?”
With even the PT team being a part of this identity theft pandemic, who can we trust? Could it be that everyone isn’t who they say they are? Are we all multi’s tasked with impersonating others in the hopes that we can one day make the Hall of Fame as a multi?? While we have yet to see Thor go on another rampage with power and impersonation, and eightytwo seems to have stopped for the time being, there are still other cases of users being copied such as DL14 the other day. When will it stop, and what can we do to prevent this in the future? Because as the old saying goes, identity theft is not a joke Jim.
H: Identity theft is not a joke Jim! Millions of families suffer every year! All of the identity theft going on in the ISFL have one thing in common. Mr 82 himself, the greatest identity thief of all time. 82 has made many victims of this crime where some have been forgotten because he switches so much. I’m going to try and touch when 82 decided that your friendly neighborhood yapper, Tyler Higbee II, needed to have another user with the same exact appearance in the servers. I must say, I probably was not the best target because I am chronically online so there is not a big window to troll me in. I can’t really describe what he did in the darks while I was offline, but the interactions while I was online were quite odd. Obviously the first time I saw him as me, it caught me very off guard. I knew 82 was a man of shenanigans but I never expected myself to be a victim. It made for some fun interactions when it was just 82, as me, and I just talking in the general chat. It obviously was not super weird to me because I knew it was 82, but I cannot imagine opening discord to just see what appears to be Tyler Higbee II talking to himself.
Another victim was our very own WolfieBot. This even happened when WolfieBot was down which led to questioning if 82 committed a crime to become WolfieBot. This, however, was pretty fun in the Sneks discord server. 82 is the person who brings up tpe opportunities so it was hilarious to see him as a bot and it made sense. It was as if we had our own personal WolfieBot while the actual WolfieBot was down. This is one of the few thefts that I would say actually benefited people. It was easy to see that it was 82 because none of the answers were automated and he was basically a tpe bot for the Sneks server so I never missed any predictions.
I was actually able to get a list from 82 about everybody who he has been recently. The list consists of:
WolfieBot
MjölniRSS
Icebear
Croney
Lemon
Swoosh
Higbee
qWest
Toofpete
Wizard_Literal
zeagle
Tmoney
UptownCord
negs
Based on the list, it seems like GMs are the main threat to have their identity stolen. Be on the watch for this pesky criminal because your identity could be stolen next. Also, non GM users are not safe either as seen with Higbee and qWest. If you have been affected by 82’s identity theft, just remember you are not alone. Many people can help you get through this trying time.
J: Identity theft is truly no joke and is not a victimless crime. It is something that is running rampant within our league right now, especially at the hands of the nefarious Eightytwo. In order to understand what motivates somebody to commit such a heinous crime, I of course had to do what any reasonable journalist would do—put myself in the psychology of the culprit by walking in their shoes.
The next natural step was to commit identity fraud on @McGriddy10. In the heat of one of the usual Yappversations that occurs on any given day in gen chat, I snuck behind enemy lines and portrayed the very likeness of the Gridster, immediately weaving my way into conversation by emulating his antics.
Despite the color of my role being slightly off, and my SJS emoji not loading in properly, I was shocked by how few people actually caught on to my ruse. Muford from Head Office (HO) caught on first, followed shortly by Bamford, but it took me dialing the comments up to a greater and greater extreme in order to actually give myself away. @Crazytomato in particular was astounded, and tried to battle against my fake persona with a startling amount of frustration.
My biggest takeaway from all this is that identity theft can be an extremely dangerous game, especially on our impressionable malleable minds within this league. They will believe just about anything they read—and that’s a bad thing—so it’s important for upstanding media outlets to provide the highest standards of truth for our readers.
As for my takeaways from my act of identity theft? I must say, self-indulgently, that it is highly addicting, and I can make no promises about dabbling in it again.
G: Bravo Jreed. How perfectly he’s captured the essence of the Griddy yap. Meaningless dribble about P.E. class and glazing Tesla. Frankly, this should serve as a wakeup call to H.O. that gen chat yapping has no place in our league.
The Mirror reflected on the arrival of the well meaning and mostly correct AI bot last week. The implications of which must be explored. It yapped better than any yapper in the league, and had it been given free reign to yap further it would’ve cemented itself as the most prolific yapper the league had ever seen.
But what does this mean? To me, it serves as evidence that the Discord yapping payouts that head office is so eager to dish out week after week need to be done away with. We’re talking about rewarding behavior that a bot could easily and effortlessly mimic. It doesn’t sit right with me that yapping all day long and blowing up my Discord notifications is behavior that head office endorses.
I’m speaking against the necessity of my own publication here, founded upon reporting on this yapping. Without the yapping, what would we have to talk about? Statistics? Game results? Gaaw, certainly mind numbing material compared to keeping up with the yaps.
But as a gainfully employed user, I have no time to keep up with such yapping. And if the essence of the yap can be so perfectly emulated by a thoughtless machine, then what’s the point?
This brings me back to Jreed’s Griddy impression. If a mere human can perfectly summarize every Griddy contribution to gen chat, then what’s stopping us from offloading all yapping onto bots? And if we are offloading yapping onto bots, then what's the point of the payouts?
Food for thought.
Yap.
WHAT IS ZENZERONI PLANNING?! AN INSIDE LOOK AT THESE DEVIOUS SCHEMES!!
Yap:
W: User @lock180, mostly known around the league as “Zenzeroni” or “Zenzy” is the star K/P for the Yellow Knife Wraiths. A known yapper in the ISFL server, Zenzy took a brief hiatus from the chat so we’re speculating on what Zenzy has been working on recently. After some prodding by @Baron1898, Zenzy gave us a small glimpse on what might be to come. An image of a word document with 83 pages and 34,176 words is still in the works and it’s supposedly only halfway done. Is this the quest to maxing out the character/word limit or simply a Zenzy special media piece on aspects around the league? While Zenzy has posted a recent media in the time this article has been in the works, titled “zenzeroni is a nobody”, it’s short and sweet and talks about Zeneroni’s career in the ISFL so this can’t be the monster media piece as mentioned previously. Even comparing his media to that of Baron’s in the time it has taken to write confirms my suspicions that Zenzy is planning a massive article of the highest quality and a lot of research as well. While he mentions it contains a lot of “brain rot”, this type of media might just be what the league needs in the offseason to quench the thirst of the media hungry ISFL readers. Zenzy mentions that he is only doing this because of user lemonoppy who claims to just write media when you’re broke in the ISFL and I second this. Media is a great way to earn money as well as to be creative and have some fun when it is not game time. Given that lemon and Baron are the two media writer’s that Zenzy respects, we can expect a massive media piece that is of high quality, some nice stats, and even creativity as these large pieces do. Due to the actual character limit, I believe this will be split up into a series but thankfully not the “out of 52” that was in Zenzy’s name throughout the season. Thankfully, this was not about the media but instead how long the season was from Ultimus to Ultimus which makes so much more sense now from when we were speculating in a previous WHAT’S YAPPENING?! post. After some further probing in the chat, we learned that readers will need to “stock up on brain cells because you are going to need them to get through this” which is both frightening but intriguing at the same time.
After EVEN MORE probing, we have determined that this media piece actually might be a 56, yes 56, part media series with around 1000 words each. I think everyone can agree that the media team (myself included) will become very busy when this series is released. Aside from the day-to-day real life tasks that every user has to do, I am confident that Zenzy has been planning this astonishing monster of a media and I can’t wait to read it.
H: The truth is, nobody really knows what the crap Zenzy is going to do next. If I am being honest, I don’t think even Zenzy knows what he is going to do next. The only thing we have to base any predictions off of are the usernames of Zenzy which were covered in a previous Whats Yappening edition and his most recent media basically slandering his own player. I am going to run with these but I expect none of my predictions to be right since this man is so unbelievably unpredictable.
Roughly a month ago, we saw Zenzy experience a stage where his username was constantly changing. The only constants for a while were that there was a number and an alliteration. I have already talked about theories with this topic so I will not go too in depth but I believe this is for a media project. Now, I am not sure this media project will ever come out since he seemed to stop at #16 out of 56 (I believe) but I think this was all a plan for either a massive media with 56 paragraphs describing the meaning of each name or 56 unique medias for each unique name. Hopefully a media is still made about this because I am genuinely curious how it all connects and where it leads us. It would be a great read and would be an instant Gemini contender in my opinion.
The other option could be a new beginning. It is not often a player goes onto public forums to trash talk themselves but this is exactly what Zenzy decided to do. He basically attacked everything about Zenzeroni Xystarch II and talked about how bad he was performing this year. With a career field goal percentage of only 80.3%, these criticisms are not fully incorrect but it is still very rare that we see someone bring up their own flaws as a player. The way that the media was worded, it has me worried that Zenzy could be retiring our glorious kicker and creating new. This could all be a huge marketing ploy to try and get people prepared for his next massive media, but it seems like more than that. The media felt genuine. It would be a shame to see a great player like Zenzeroni Xystarch II have his career ended so early due to public critics attacking him from every direction.
J: The burning question has been on everyone’s minds—what has Zenzeroni been up to???
Well, you see, it all started after the legendary battle of S46, in which jabs were flying back and forth like heat-seeking missiles. Things reached a fever-pitch between myself and Zenzeroni as the season progressed, neither one of us willing to back down or relent to the other adversary. By the time the playoffs rolled around, Zenzeroni unleashed his ultimate attack: “The Case Against the WEAK-ly Mirror”, as it was known, was a scathing exposé that rendered any of my attacks completely powerless and left onlookers in complete and utter shock. At this moment, I had realized my great miscalculation: I had decided to fearlessly (and foolishly) challenge an opponent that I was woefully underprepared for, and was hilariously outgunned in every sense of the word.
After the dust settled on this legendary battle, Zenzeroni suddenly—and unexpectedly—retreated into the shadows. In an off-the-books conversation with the noodle man on the eve of the Ultimus, he confided to me that he was going to take a Sabbatical for the duration of S47 and let the ISFL Weekly Mirror continue to enjoy our newfound success. However, he still wanted to send one last punishing blow from the grave. He ominously taunted the fact that the soon-to-be Gemini winners would have one last piece of dirt dug up about them that “the world needs to know about their new overlords” (Xystarch). Of course, this brought me like bait on a hook, and I couldn’t resist knowing more about what the devious trickster had planned. However, Xystarch cunningly divulged very little, and left the editors at the Mirror nervously pacing for the sabotage we were apt to receive.
Xystarch divulged, before disappearing into the night before the Ultimus, by saying to me: “The next chapter in the media age will be one for the history books. I have no doubt about that. And I look forward to reading it from the comfort of my mansion on the beachfront sipping away on a margarita as the ISFL crumbles under the power of the Weekly Mirror….The Joker will return. I appreciate you being the filler storyline while I take a short leave.”
The aforementioned “sabotage” ended up coming in the form of one particular McGriddy, who was a former intern at the Weekly Mirror for a time, which was the equivalent to a gnat in my ear after shaking the Xystarch hornet’s nest. While Griddy has always been a good friend, and I knew that he had simply lost his way and become corrupted by the noodle man, I could not let a transgression go unchecked. I swiftly dismissed him in a media response, as it felt unfair to go too harshly against a media writer so far beneath my power levels.
However, things got interesting when the noodle man suddenly broke his silence on April 1, with a resounding return to media:
“Jreed12 is the best media writer ever”, by Zenzeroni Xystarch, II.
Well, as any clever trickster would know, flattery is my weakness, second only to monetary gain. Zenzeroni crafted an illustrious display of peacockery, weaving his words to delight my Monday morning. Furthermore, he started the now infamous catchphrase, “The Weekly Mirror is not Weak!”, which led me to believe he had turned a new leaf in his hiatus and was now deciding to take a more wholesome, ethical route. For this, I believed that Zenzeroni and I had a truce, some might even call it, a friendship?
So, in this regard, it was only natural that I reached out to my new pal Zenzeroni to share with him my ultimate vision. This was a dream I had hatched way back in the infancy of S46—a collaborative media effort of which the ISFL had never seen before. At first, I believed my collaboration would come in the form of a self-prescribed “Big 3”, teaming up with the other top media writers at the time, Tim Riggins and Brad Woof, to unite in a joint force of power. However, before I could bring them to a meeting to divulge my ultimate plan, Riggins decided to take a break from the media, and Brad Woof sadly falsely accused the Weekly Mirror of corrupting new rookies to write under his name. For the time being, the dream had fallen apart.
Now, without divulging too much of my plan that I had brought to light, the Zen man unfortunately didn’t bite; rather, he divulged to me a plan of his own. Gone are the days of chaos-fueled media that thrives upon conflicts with others, in what he described as a “reset”. When asked for more detail about what this “reset” might entail, Zenzeroni merely replied with this one damning screenshot:
After my discussion with Zenzeroni, I had a bit of an intervention of fate, which came in the form of one particular Yapper coincidentally ringing my line. Infamous Yapper Tyler Higbee II, of the “What’s Yappening!?” clan, asked to do a “partnership” with the Weekly Mirror to show we didn’t have media animosity. In fact, he seemed to have many of the same goals that I had: to combine our collective powers into a collaborative media effort to assert ultimate dominance. Higbee quickly brought the Weekly Mirror and What’s Yappening!? together to enter talks regarding this exciting new partnership. Was it fate? Was this destined to be the plan all along?
Meanwhile in Zenzyland, just days after our new Yappening Mirror partnership was formed, I received a very ominous message:
In order to see what all the racket was about, I immediately whisked down to Zenzy’s hideaway in Cancun in order to have a face-to-face interview with my new pal. When I entered his villa, I found the most unsettling sight—the lights were shut off, pizza boxes on the floor everywhere, and no matter where I stepped, I seemed to churn up rats or cockroaches. The entire place reeked of stale pasta, a glutenous stench so pungent I could barely even tolerate it. And there he was—my long time nemesis sat before me on a recliner, with his signature chef’s hat tattered and frayed atop his head.
I was so stunned by the squalor that I almost forgot my intention in coming down here: to see if I could crack the code of Xystarch’s secret plan, once and for all. I stammered the first thing I could think of— “I thought we had a truce?”
“I was merely stating a fact,” Zenzy croaked, as he pulled out a pile of dozens upon dozens of spiral notebooks out of a box sitting next to him. “About halfway done if my calculations are correct.”
He yanked a notebook off the stack and flipped through it, showing me pages at random. I recoiled back in horror. It was page after page of chicken scratch, diagrams, and entire swaths of paragraphs scribbled out furiously only to be rewritten again.
I chuckled anxiously. “How many times you mention your good old pal Jreed in those?”
Zenzeroni stared at me intently, with two beady macaroni eyes that pierced right into my soul. Then he smiled, and began to start laughing maniacally. Even in the tropical heat, my spine was colder than ice. “Oh Jreed…” Zenzy trailed off, before digging his spaghetti fingers into the rotting arms of the recliner, “Why would I include YOU in MY masterpiece?”
Before I could hardly retort, Zenzeroni sprung out of his chair and got right up within an inch of my face.
— “I've learned one thing after writing about other people. There is one common thing about all of them. They all need ME. THIS STORY IS ABOUT ME. I HAVE MADE THIS LEAGUE WHAT IT IS AND WHERE IT IS. YOU CAN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT SOMEONE TAKING A JAB AT ME. THEY ARE JEALOUS OF ME. THIS LEAGUE HAS BEEN BEAT DOWN SO MUCH THAT THEIR ONLY FORM OF ENTERTAINMENT IS FROM A 17 YEAR OLD CHILD.”
At this point, I nervously started backing towards the door, hoping to make a run for it on foot if shit hit the fan. However, Zenzeroni calmed down, and gave me a cunning grin.
“The league has spiraled without me and will rejoice upon my return. You will see. They'll all see…” Zenzy trailed off.
I tried to see if I could appease the noodle man, by asking him if his frustrations were directed at a certain McGriddy. I mused: “But he doesn’t even have a Gemini.”
Zenzy responded: “Oh I’m not WRITING about him. I’m just informing you of the state the league is in right now. SHAMBLES, I tell you. SHAMBLES. You never know how much you miss someone until they’re gone, and the league is learning that lesson with ME.”
Of course, in my unadulterated hubris, I had to ask the question that may have been the straw to break the camel’s back. “What do you hope to achieve in all this? Recognition, salvation of the league, another Gemini?”
Zenzeroni tapped on his chin with a wispy spaghetti finger before replying: “All of the above? There will be so much of me, it will become the ZSFL. The Zenzeroni era as we will come to know it will have reached its peak…” as he trailed off and began to start cackling maniacally and uncontrollably.
As he reveled at revealing his terrifying secret plan, I used the cacophony to quickly make a break for the door and run out of the villa. I knew I had to get back immediately to safe territory. This bodes as a warning: there is a storm coming, the likes of which we have never witnessed before. When Zenzeroni returns—and he will, with a vengeance—you better be on his good side. The ISFL must brace for impact for the onslaught of vernacular that will be unleashed upon us all. May God have mercy on our souls.
G: What is the deal with Zenzeroni? Dear reader, it is quite clear to me. The chip implanted in Zenzeroni’s brain is causing early onset schizophrenia. He doesn’t even deny this is the case. On more than one occasion I’ve suggested particular medication and recommended that he follow his physician’s advice in taking a strict regiment of pills to keep his brain functioning, but alas it is eating him alive and I worry it may be too late.
I’d recommend that all readers of this publication reach out and offer their help as a sort of decentralized intervention. He needs to understand that we all care for him and wish to see him get better. In the interim, however, we cannot continue to indulge his insane fantasies. Every time he writes an article it must be examined to the furthest extent possible. He needs to be fact checked so that he can understand that his ramblings are only the artifacts of a condition that affects many Americans, even those abroad laying on beaches in obscure isles.
The bottom line - what Zenzy has is treatable. One day he can function happily and healthily. But until then he cannot be indulged. The onus is on Yappening-Mirror readership to help this poor man.
Beyond this I have no desire to inflame our relationship with his poor demented mind. My colleagues have provided the necessary documentation of his irrational behavior through screenshots and quotations. He has a pension to become enraged upon reading such well presented arguments and evidence. As such, I will not be including any more screenshots or evidence in my section of this column.
If you’re reading this Zenzy, I hope you get better. Please reach out to me if there is anything I can do for you.
Yap.
S46 GEMINI WINNER - BEST ARTICLE (SERIES)
S47 GEMINI WINNER - BEST ARTICLE (SERIES)
Read the 2x Gemini-Winning ISFL Weekly Mirror!