09-03-2023, 07:57 PM
(This post was last modified: 09-09-2023, 05:30 AM by Aneeqs. Edited 1 time in total.)
Bondi Bulletin
Man Apprehended After Posing as Bucs Kicker
Breaking News out of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers locker room this evening - The kicker for the Bucs Zenzeroni Xystarch II, who had a miserable last two games on the field was NOT actually the one taking those kicks. It has recently been uncovered an unknown organization brought in Zenzeroni’s brother, Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch, most known for his time in the baseball scene where he fell out of favor with his team in his second season despite being an all star rookie in his first season. The now disgraced brother was brought out by members of the Kansas City Jail thinking it was actually Zenzeroni and was placed in charge of kicking duties for the past two losses for the Bucs. Zenzeroni miraculously broke out of jail and hunted his brother down, knocking him out and standing over him until police arrived. It is unclear at this time if Zenzeroni will be charged for his prison break as he was supposed to have been released anyway. In the meantime, he has three crucial games to play in that are do or die if him and the Bucs want any chance at making the playoffs.
From the desk of Doctor Fettucini Mozarella:
Dear REDACTED,
Things have gone drastically downhill. Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch has been caught and Zenzeroni is on the loose. It is unclear of his knowledge pertaining to our experiment at this time but it is certainly a cause for concern that he is now free and that the government now has a lead on our top secret organization. We left no trace regarding names or other information details and only told Zenzizenzizenzic what he absolutely needed to know so we should be safe from him spilling any information but some of our agents have been followed and we are approaching the end game quicker than we originally imagined. These next three weeks should help us get a good grasp on what we are dealing with and how much Zenzeroni truly knows.
Dr. Fettucini Mozarella
Norfolk Week 8
Pregame vs Norfolk Week 8: It’s been a whirlwind of a couple of weeks but it feels good to have the sweet grass or turf or whatever it is beneath my feet for another week of DSFL football. We are still in this I don’t care what anyone else says. I had a lot of time to get my mind right after that stint in jail and I feel better than ever. Really got a chance to focus on my breathing, staying calm, and not letting my emotions get the best of me. Should be a good opportunity to get the right foot moving forward with this matchup against the Seawolves so LETS GET IT ON!
6:34 first quarter (0-0) Norfolk fumble: Slow game to start but great strip sack by McBean and even better job at recovering it! Now we have excellent field position and are primed for an easy score to get the game going! I feel like our defense is a lot better than all the stat metrics say we are. I mean we have so much top talent on the defensive side of the ball it is impossible to list all of them.
5:24 first quarter (7-0) Bucs touchdown xp good: And just like that we strike first with a great dump and run from the Thor/Malik duo. Great way to come back to the team and I am so pumped for this game moving forward. I know Thor has been working on his connection with Duma, Passarelli, and Sanchez. And BMP has been putting up record breaking numbers at a blistering pace since the season began so I have no doubt we are hitting our stride right here right now.
2:57 first quarter (14-0) Bucs touchdown xp good: There’s that Thor Passarelli connection I was talking about. They have it under control. Who needs 50 wide receivers when you have 50 tight ends instead that you can use at multiple different positions? The Passarelli wide receiver spot combined with the Duma TE, Sanchez WR, and the dangerous Malik/BMP backfield makes it impossible for any defense to be prepared for everything the Bucs have to offer.
1:51 first quarter (14-7) Seawolves touchdown xp good: That’s alright. The defense has been pretty solid throughout the first quarter so they were bound to sneak one in eventually. It doesn’t matter though because when we are firing on all cylinders you may be able to score on us but we already have a big enough lead that scoring on us doesn’t even matter. And the same is true the other way around. When we aren’t scoring you know our defense will turn it to that extra gear and make getting yards nearly impossible and that is why I love this team so damn much.
9:09 second quarter (17-7) Bucs 29 yard field goal good: Chip shots are something I can make with ease now. I’ve got the perfect state of mind that there is no way I miss these easy kicks ever again. And if anything it’s to prove I’m better than my brother who is probably watching this in his jail cell or in the main meal hall complaining to all the inmates about how awful of a brother I am and how dumb and stupid I am. Jokes on him I’m the brother that everyone wants on their team now. I remember when you were the hotshot getting all the attention but now the only attention you are getting is for bad press.
3:03 second quarter (17-10) Seawolves 27 yard field goal good: Bend don’t break defense. As long as we can limit them to field goals we should be in a good spot. Too many times we have found ourselves getting touchdown after touchdown scored on us but if we can limit 7 points to 3 points that can significantly swing the game in our favor and it is showing with this point lead we have right now. We just have to keep the pressure up and show our home fans what we are about.
Halftime: Zenzeroni walks down the tunnel and looks around and for the first time in weeks he doesn’t see lizard people. He doesn’t see the ghost of his friend all he sees is the future. He smiles as he grabs his favorite snack “Spaghetti Monsters” and sits down processing the first half. The ghosts of his past and the bad press around him seem to have been lifted off his shoulders. He is still aware of something still amiss but he can’t quite put his finger on it and sits back listening to the coach make mid-game adjustments.
10:53 third quarter (17-17) Seawolves touchdown xp good: Okay Seawolves came to play. We are still a strong team and a lot better than what our record and stats show right now. We may be at the bottom of our division but we are playing with a ton of heart and this game is still very much still in our grasp. I mean it’s tied for goodness sake! This is what we live for! Times like this when the game is on the line, there’s tons of pressure. This is where we thrive and this is where we show the rest of the league the type of team we really are.
3:23 third quarter (20-17) Bucs 22 yard field goal good: And just like that we are on top again! Who knew going to jail would completely change how I view and see the world around me. It really has made me a better person! Maybe it’s because of how terrible of a place it was. Maybe I’m actually more crazy now than I was before going in which has warped my mind. But whatever the case may be I feel unstoppable. These kicks feel like they felt when I was kicking them in college. They are effortless. Nothing like the pressure I had felt earlier in the season these kicks are coming with ease and I’m loving every second of it.
2:44 third quarter (20-17) Hugandkiss intercepts Seawolves: WOOOOOOOOOO that’s what I’m talking about! The defense shows up when we need them the most! Hugandkiss with the huge interception to give us great field position again! That’s two times today that our defense has stolen the ball away and put the offense in the redzone immediately and that’s what playing as a team is all about! Each facet of the team working together in cohesion to help each other out and make things as easy and effortless as they can be!
1:55 third quarter (27-17) Bucs touchdown xp good: Every single player is making an impact on this game today. Hugandkiss, McBean, Thor, Malik, Duma, Passarelli, the list goes on and on. Duma scoring a touchdown here shows not only the team working together but rookies and veterans working together as well. The Thor/Duma duo had been a highly anticipated duo coming into the season and hasn’t quite lived up to expectations but after that wonderful play I can’t help but to think that they have discovered that connection and coming into the homestretch of the season it couldn’t have come at a better time.
10:06 fourth quarter (30-17) Bucs 29 yard field goal good: Keep adding onto this lead over and over again making it hard and harder for the Seawolves to come back. We are very much in this title hunt because as long as we get to the playoffs the game is completely reset. Everyone is 0-0 again. It doesn’t matter how good Dallas has been. It doesn’t matter the sheer domination Portland has shown. It’s all back to square one and with our team clicking like it is right now, I feel like we have a really good shot at this.
4:02 fourth quarter (33-17) Bucs 46 yard field goal: And another one gone. And another one gone. Another one bites the dust! Got my mojo back and man it feels good to kick these field goals after being cramped up in a cell the past two weeks. With so little time left, we have basically wrapped this baby up.
4:02 fourth quarter (33-23) Seawolves touchdown 2 point conversion no good: Wow what a kick return for the Seawolves. My point still stands with it being too little too late but that was impressive speed by the kick returner. I’m not one to tackle so I stood no shot but even some of our better defenders seemed to struggle on that one. A great stop on the 2 point conversion to limit the damage though and they are really running low on time to make something happen here.
1:49 fourth quarter (33-23) Hugandkiss intercepts Seawolves: That’s two on the day for Hugandkiss! Let’s goooooooo! And this game is officially iced. What a day for Hugandkiss and really the whole team. Coming together realizing what the stakes are in all of these matchups moving forward and making the best of what we got. We have some of the best players in the entire season 44 draft class along with key pieces from earlier than that and as we keep getting stronger we will just become more and more unstoppable in the weeks to come.
Final Score 33-23 Bucs
From the desk of Doctor Fettucini Mozarella:
Dear REDACTED,
The Noodler has picked up some weird frequencies as of late and our alterations and changes we are making to it don’t seem to be having any effect whatsoever on the mind of Zenzeroni. His erratic behavior has now become completely neutralized and any hallucinations and mind tricks we have been trying to conjure up to break him mentally have not come to fruition. Our tech team is looking into a connection issue with the device as it still appears that the chip is implanted properly into his brain but for whatever reason his brain is refusing to respond to the information we are giving it. This could spell disaster for our mission moving forward and I would appreciate some input on what our next steps should be especially because of the progress we had been making recently.
Dr. Fettucini Mozarella
Dallas Week 9
Pregame @ Dallas Week 9: Top of the division Dallas Birddogs. A win here would be an insane boost in our playoff chances and keep us in the running to win the division as well. We played an extremely close game earlier in the season we just have to push a little harder in this game and I guarantee we can come out with a victory over the “top dogs” of the DSFL South.
5:17 first quarter (0-7) Dallas touchdown xp good: They really chewed up a lot of time on that first drive after our first drive went a quick three and out. There were a couple of chances to stop them but when they needed to they converted which is going to be key for offense to be able to do. Dallas really isn’t anything too special. I feel like our division is pretty even across the board so it is important not to get down on ourselves especially this early in the game.
1:46 first quarter (0-7) Bucs failed fourth down attempt on fourth and inches: I’m not going to say the ref spotted the ball wrong necessarily but it sure did look like we got a first down from my angle. And we were driving too! I mean that killed all the momentum we had going there. Our offense is way too good to not get that fourth down but if the ref says we were short maybe it is true Dallas’ defense has stepped up so far today and have been hard to get yards on so it could be that they got a lucky stop this time around.
00:36 first quarter (0-14) Dallas touchdown xp good: Missed assignment on that one their receiver was wide open. We can’t be having those types of communication errors, especially in such an important game like this one. The crowd noise may have prevented our defense from communicating properly but still have to get the job done. That’s what practices are for after all. A tough break but nothing we haven’t come back from before. Still, 3 whole quarters to come back 14 points.
14:06 second quarter (0-14) Dallas intercept Thor: Oh no! Thor was so good last game what happened?! As a kicker I know playing in an away stadium can be a completely different feel than the comforts of being at home but interceptions have been a problem for Thor. He has been touted as one of if not the best quarterback of the season 44 draft class but is really struggling in the turnover department. If he wants to make an ISFL roster he is really going to have to fix that glaring issue on his resume.
10:13 second quarter (0-21) Dallas touchdown xp good: I can’t help but notice as soon as the refs called us short on that one play Dallas has been making all these crazy plays and scoring all these points. I wonder if it is related in some way. I am no conspiracy theorist though so I’m sure it is just a coincidence that they are playing so well. They are number one in the division for a reason I suppose. But 21 points, while it is a lot, is still not impossible to come back from and with how good our offense played last week along with the turnover potential from our defense I would never count us out.
5:36 second quarter (0-28) Dallas touchdown xp good: Okay well the first half hasn’t been the prettiest so far but there are a lot of learning moments that can be taken from this half and we can use that to capitalize on their mistakes in the second half. It would be great if we could get something going to end the first half here maybe a long sustained drive to show that we still have what it takes and that we have the capability to still put up points. That could go a long way in shifting momentum to our favor.
3:43 second quarter (0-28) BMP fumble Dallas recovers: That is not what I was hoping for. BMP is usually so good with the ball and rarely turns it over. Unfortunate timing in a big spot with the potential to shift momentum in our favor but mistakes do happen everyone isn’t perfect. It is unfortunate that the mistake happened right now but we can’t dwell on it and have to hope our defense will step up and make a stop to keep us within reach of a win.
00:22 second quarter (3-28) Bucs 41 yard field goal good: That’s what I’m talking about! Getting points on the board before the end of the half and now we are ready to cook for the second half! I’m glad they seem to have a lot of faith in me despite my previous errors and problems with my brother because I can see that getting in the way of coming together as a team but everyone is still so welcoming and I wish I would have opened my eyes to it earlier and seen this team for what it really is because it really is something special. I can’t believe my behavior throughout the first half of the season but I’m glad I have changed now and am able to see my real team instead of the clouded deluded team I thought I had seen earlier in the season.
12:50 third quarter (10-28) Prowler pick 6 on Dallas xp good: WHAT DID I SAY! All we needed is a little momentum and all of a sudden we are right back in this thing! An incredible pick and run by Prowler to get us to 10 points and all the energy in this stadium has just been sucked out of the airlock! People have already told us to hang it up and there’s no chance of a comeback and even worse that our whole season is over. But if you looked at our team and the way we act you would think we were an undefeated team far better than any team in the league. But we’ve got nothing to lose at this point we are just having fun and that has led us to some of the best strategies in the game.
11:31 third quarter (10-28) Pete Moss intercepts Dallas: And another one! This is what happens when you go out and put your heart on the line! Give your team everything you’ve got and now we are reaping the benefits of staying together as a team. Through thick and thin when times were getting rough we have stayed together and now thanks to two incredible plays from our defense we could be right back in this game!
9:08 third quarter (17-28) Bucs touchdown xp good: And there it is another touchdown and all of a sudden that 25 points lead isn’t so big anymore! The genius game plan right now is to cause turnovers and not turn the ball over yourself. And as long as Thor sticks to that gameplan I think we have a really good shot at winning this game when it is all said and done. I mean this crowd is lifeless right now. Two interceptions resulting in two touchdowns will do that to a fan base we have been on the receiving end of that before so it feels good to see another team experience it, especially our biggest rival right now the Dallas Birddogs.
8:35 third quarter (17-28) Prowler forced fumble Bucs Recover: Three turnovers on three consecutive drives I truly don’t believe what I am watching right now. The first half Birddogs are nowhere to be seen instead replaced by a completely blind football team that can’t figure out how to hold on to the ball. This is our chance to bring this game even closer and make things a lot more interesting.
3:27 third quarter (20-28) Bucs 20 yard field goal good: And just like that it is a one score game! They thought they could coast through the second half of this game possibly rest their starters and relax and instead they got a punch to the face and a wakeup call to show that the Bucs aren’t to be messed with. And with a little over a quarter to play this game is looking like it is going to come down to the wire.
00:28 third quarter (20-35) Dallas touchdown xp good: Not exactly what I had in mind but it wasn’t like they were going to be handing the ball back to us after every play so it makes sense that they would eventually find the endzone. The defense has been pulling all the stops so I can’t really blame them for giving up a touchdown this time around but it sucks especially because of all the momentum we finally had on our side however the offense has still been doing its job in scoring points and it will be crucial to get the job done in the fourth quarter.
14:04 fourth quarter (20-35) Dallas fumble recovered by Dallas: A lucky break and one that we desperately needed. The defense continues to try and force turnovers and I can’t help but think about what could have happened had our defense jumped on it but with all the Dallas players around it it was clearly too tough to grab. Just unfortunate that the ball was on the ground and we failed to get it in such an important time in the game.
12:01 fourth quarter (20-42) Dallas touchdown xp good: Two touchdowns are going to be tough to get in the remaining time, especially with how well their defense has been doing recently. The game is far from over but things are getting pretty dire and we need to start putting up points if we want to have a chance at this game in the end. A win away against the Birddogs would do wonders for our reputation and playoff chances so we can’t give up now.
8:36 fourth quarter (20-42) Dallas fumble recovered by Dallas: I can’t believe it happened again. It would have been so sweet to get that ball back with them pushed so far back on their own side of the field. But now they still have the ball and can continue to waste time. Our defense has been so good at forcing turnovers we just haven’t been able to capitalize on them which sucks because this game has not been as bad as the score may indicate. Our defense has played way better than that 42 points would show it just sucks that some people only care about what they see on the scoreboard.
3:42 fourth quarter (20-42) Bucs block Dallas punt: So you're saying there’s a chance?! We have really put on a show tonight. I don’t care what anyone says. Our offense has been lackluster but everywhere else there have been highlights. This has been a really fun game and one that I would be proud to show my kids if I had any. Playing football isn’t always about winning and while I think we will come up a little short today there was so much to be proud of throughout this game that no other team could take away from us.
3:00 fourth quarter (20-42) Thor interception: Okay Thor one for the road I get it. Time to pack those bags and move on to the next one because this next one may be the biggest game of the season so far.
Final Score: 20-42 Birddogs
From the desk of REDACTED:
To: Dr. Fettucini Mozarella
Don’t worry. It will be fixed. Be prepared. Our time is near.
- REDACTED
Portland Week 10
Pregame vs Portland Week 10: Biggest game of the season by far. Possibly the best team in the league and we are now in a must win mindset heading into the homestretch. They have been dominating opponents all season long including us but that doesn’t mean we are just going to lie down and let them win. We have improved significantly since our last meeting and I feel like they have stayed stagnant. Plus we have the home field advantage on our side and we play so much better when we play at home so I am incredibly confident in our ability to win this game and start our final push to the playoffs.
10:37 first quarter (7-0) Bucs touchdown kick is good: An early start for the best team in the league the Bondi Beach Buccaneers. BOOYA! Although we do have to be careful Portland is notoriously slow with scoring and before you know it they are up by 30 before you know what hits you so staying on top and keeping the pressure on them is crucial. It sure helps that this crowd is crazy tonight man do they hate the Pythons and I do not blame them one bit. They are evil creatures almost as evil as….
3:35 first quarter (14-0) Bucs touchdown kick is good: LAY ON THE GAS! BUCCANEERS STOP FOR NO ONE! This is what a team in do or die mode looks like! It’s either sink or swim and we sure as hell aren’t sinking tonight I can guarantee that. Pythons think they have an easy win against a last place team but they have found out pretty quickly that you don’t mess with an angry Buccaneer on their way to getting the buried treasure at the end of the game.
15:00 second quarter (21-0) Bucs touchdown kick is good: Oh how the tides have turned ever so slightly! BMP and Malik are the most dangerous running back duo in the league with three touchdowns. Our offensive line bulling the slippery Pythons out of the way for our crafty running backs to maneuver through the gaps with ease. We can’t fall into complacency like the Birddogs did against us one week ago though. It is time to go full steam ahead and continue scoring while preventing their offense from even being able to move so much as an inch.
2:00 second quarter (24-0) Bucs 29 yard field goal good: This is very reminiscent of the Birddog game except the roles have been switched which I suppose bodes well with us winning but isn’t great for Thor if it means he is going to throw a lot of interceptions in the second half. Hopefully, that doesn’t happen and we can continue with our incredible defense and solid running game to give our fans something to cheer about. We have the best fan culture in the ISFL and it isn’t even close. What we provide our fans compared to the rest of the league is miles ahead of everyone else. I mean just look at our color rush field as the perfect example. We listened to our fans and while it wasn’t the most appealing looking field it resonated with our fans and caused a big stir in the league and is likely the only field remembered from those games.
14:47 fourth quarter (31-0) Bucs touchdown kick is good: An insurmountable lead at this point which means a little extra money in my pocket. Bamford thinking his stupid little team could go without a loss in the remaining 7 weeks of the regular season. Even the best teams ever in the DSFL have found that to be nearly impossible. Welcome to Bondi Beach Portland, Your ship just got sunk and I hope all you snakes inside can swim looking forward to seeing if we meet again in the playoffs.
5:17 fourth quarter (31-3) Portland 39 yard field goal good: Awwww how cute 3 points for Portland. What are you going to do? Write to your mom telling you how well you did scoring three points against the so called worst team in the DSFL right now. We are officially on a mission and are taking no prisoners so if you are in the way you better step aside or be prepared to faith the wrath of the seven seas because we are ready for every last one of you and are the strongest we have ever been.
00:20 fourth quarter (34-3) Bucs 24 yard field goal good: You could have let us kneel the ball down four times but instead you went ahead and called all three of your timeouts in a losing game. And now you have 20 seconds to score 31 points. Way to waste everyone’s time Portland. Trying to make the loss hurt less only led to us scoring more points. In fact, we beat you worse than you beat us earlier in the season which is saying something considering you beat us 38-17. But oh well we will see if you continue to slither into your little hidey holes as you try and make it to the playoffs and win an Ultimini because your team is a mess right now.
Final Score: 34-3 Bucs
As Zenzeroni arrives home after a long day at the field he heads to his mailbox where he finds an interesting letter from someone he has never heard of before. He heads inside and cautiously opens it. What he finds inside shocks him to his core…
Howdy! I am responsible for quite possibly the greatest kicker to ever grace the ISFL and am the most accomplished media writer the ISFL has ever seen (no need to ask anyone else regarding either of those claims)
Important Media You Must Read If You Want To Be Cool Like Me
The Villainous Jreed12: The Case Against the WEAKly Mirror|Jreed is a multi|Coming soon
The Truth About Baron1898: The Self Proclaimed Queen|The Evil Queen|The Curse of Venus|The Truth
The Year of the Joker: Year of the Joker|Doubling Down|Bye to Losers|Win or Not?|Last Dance
Read the full 56 Chapter Book of Zen Catalog here: The Book of Zen
Miscellaneous Articles: The Clown Car Four|The Nauseating Nine|1 Star Mcdonalds Prospect Analysis
![[Image: qDRsDEK.png]](https://i.imgur.com/qDRsDEK.png)
![[Image: Triceracop.gif]](https://sig.grumpybumpers.com/host/Triceracop.gif)
![[Image: Jzvsk26.png]](https://i.imgur.com/Jzvsk26.png)
![[Image: wvbMa9Y.png]](https://i.imgur.com/wvbMa9Y.png)
![[Image: NatOVak.png]](https://i.imgur.com/NatOVak.png)
s43 Baron Nomination for Best Author, and Best New Author. Quite possibly, the greatest compliment I have received from anybody. I am no author I draw because I can not write. Most of you can not read.