*Why Does Xystarch II Lash Out?

[lemonoppy]

There’s been much ink spilled about Zenzeroni Xystarch II, most of it by himself. Xystarch is a polarizing figure, taking extreme stances on everyone and anyone who dares utter a slight, real or imagined against him. From tackling an innocent media awards writer, the superlative Hall of Fame kicker Venus Powers, innocent, upstanding, rival news outlets, and targets seemingly at random, Xystarch is against the world.

In fact, so much against the world, that it seems… curious. What does this kicker have to hide by projecting such a bold face to the world?

Zenzeroni Xystarch has a complicated history, according to him. With such a prolific history of public comments, it’s very hard to parse the truth from the fiction. From our research we know that Xystach II is the younger of two brothers in a family of softball and baseball players. Xystarch II was born without strong arms and had to endure being physically abandoned on an island until he finally made it to New Zealand to kick for the Spaghetti School, and did so with singular purpose. Xystach II was perfect in college, except for a physical disturbance hitting the ball in the championship game.

Heading into the DSFL, Xystach was… less than perfect, far less in fact. Coming in at 78.8% FG% and routinely going into what teammates called “meltdowns” or “full on fits, hot and cold, yelling at his arms, the air pumps, and the sky above” whenever he missed a kick. Xystarch II’s antics didn’t go unnoticed, in fact, he published them himself wherever he could.

This took for a turn for the worse as Xystach II began to claim he had a chip implanted in his brain by a “Doctor Fettucini Mozarella” and that his past self that missed field goals was his brother and he, the real Xystach II, had broken out of jail to reclaim his rightful spot as the kicker of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers.

Xystach II was taken in the second round of the S44 ISFL draft by the Yellowknife Wraiths, the second kicker off the board after Golden Foote. This sent Xystach II into a rage, and in an incident covered up by the Bondi Beach Buccaneer leadership, Xystarch II went into a shock induced coma after hearing the news.

Since then, Xystarch II has not lessened in his prolific public posting but so far has not proved troublesome enough for Yellowknife to release any kind of statement, in fact even endorsing his behaviour with multi-million dollar raises and extensions. If this is the case, why don’t we take a look into Xystarch II as a kicker, and just a kicker. If Yellowknife will not release anything about his slandering of good publications like the Weekly Mirror, we can just compare Xystarch II to himself, and his supposed perfect college kicking record.

—-- Slipping and Lashing Out —--

Zenzeroni Xystach II as a kicker in the ISFL is currently 117/121 (96.69%) in extra points made and 88/108 (81.48%) as a field goal kicker.

As an extra point kicker, Xystarch is average compared to the NFL kicker. Nothing particularly spectacular here.

However, once we dive deep into the kicks that Xystarch has made, we can see some interesting numbers.

First off, we can view his kicks by distance and see that any kick greater than 60 yards drags down his average by a large amount, expected as these are hail marys and more hopes than expected. Within the bread and butter range of 21-40, Xystarch II is at a 90.74% clip, you’d hope for a bit better with these chip shots.

Looking further, Xystarch II is 74.42% on shots from 41-60 yards. Xystach II isn’t going to wow you, and at this rate, might induce more stress onto a special teams coach than you’d like.

However, these numbers aren’t very indicative, sometimes games are blowouts in either direction, instead, let's look at “Gotta Makes”, kicks that are within the first half, or within 2 score games, or in a playoff game.

What we can immediately see is that most kicks that Xystarch II takes are in these scenarios, Yellowknife does not particularly play in games that they have commanding leads or losses. Xystarch also does not kick much more or less in any specific quarter, his performance is his performance.

So, what can we do to look at Xystarch II as a kicker? Well, we can compare him to other kickers, and how well they kick at specific ranges. It is here where maybe we can see some information emerge. Xystarch II started out in the league on a tear, possibly with the shock of his actions coming back to haunt him, Xystarch II buckled down and worked on his game, harkening back to his time at Spaghetti School, kicking with a single-mindedness and determination that is his hallmark.

Xystarch II outshot the average kicker by nearly 7 points over the season, a huge sum. However, as he settles into the league, Xystarch II has slipped. He is at a below average rate, costing his team nearly 4 points last season, and 5 points this season. His drop between his first and second seasons is nearly 11 points negative, and it has slipped further.

We’ve heard rumblings that Xystarch II, seeing his success in his rookie year, has devoted time and energy to running his restaurant, looking to expand outside of just sports and show his multi-disciplinary skills and talents. Talented as he may be, Xystarch II doesn’t have more hours in the day than the rest of us, and while his pizza is fantastic, his kicking has lost its luster.

Yellowknife challenges Baltimore in the Conference Finals this week, and Xystarch II will play a heavy role, the only rostered kicker on the team. The question remains, has the distraction of running a successful business, large contract, and the inner turmoil of not giving his all to his team that has been spilling out into the public all been too much for this young kicker? We hope not, and that with some help and support, he can focus his energy on himself and improving his kicking, rather than lashing out at anyone who suggests that his kicking needs work.

@lock180

[lock180]

how dare you put this slanderous article out about me right before I get ready to face the Hawks. You are a monster.

[jreed12]

...innocent, upstanding, rival news outlets, and targets seemingly at random, Xystarch is against the world.

Innocent and upstanding indeed! Xystarch is a menace that must be stopped! It warms my heart to see that not everyone has been brainwashed by his nefarious noodle nonsense.
Read the ISFL Weekly Mirror!

[Brad Woof]

Common lemon W, add it to the pile

[griis]

Don't worry about the inevitable Zenzy schizopost you've summoned upon yourself by publishing the TRUTH! We at the ISFL Weekly Mirror appreciate honest reporting such as this fantastic piece of media.