10-28-2023, 10:11 AM
(This post was last modified: 10-28-2023, 04:09 PM by DL14. Edited 1 time in total.)
*The following article takes place the day before the season 44 ISFL draft. I have been holding onto this media for quite some time and would make more sense if it was released when I wanted to release it as it was going to be a going away gift to my fellow Bondi Beach Buccaneers and a housewarming gift to my new team the Yellowknife Wraiths. But you don’t care about my frivolous problems so with that being said I am happy to introduce you to the newest lock180 special “Follow the Yellowknife Road”
**All Robot (MEE6) quotes are direct quotes from Thor Dangerson’s maniacal questions in the Yellowknife locker room
Zenzeroni walked into the locker room of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers after practicing his kicks during the offseason. Usually, the field was quiet this late in the day, but this time he was met with a surprise. Fellow rookie and upcoming draftee Triceracop met Zenzeroni as he was getting ready to head home for the day. “You better watch out. There’s a storm coming. Heard there is going to be a pretty big hurricane that is supposed to hit later tonight”.
“Well that’s not good. Do you think it is going to affect our ability to be drafted tomorrow night?” Zenzeroni asks as he continues to pack up his belongings.
“I don’t think so. It will be pretty bad overnight and throughout most of the day but it should pass through in time for us to be able to watch the draft as a team tomorrow night. And worst comes to worst we can watch it from the safety of our own homes”.
Zenzeroni nods his head and begins making his way toward the locker room door but Triceracop steps in his way blocking the door like he would a defensive lineman. “One more thing, You haven’t heard anything about a player by the name of Thor Dangerson have you?
“Not necessarily should I be concerned?” Zenzeroni asks as he tries to maneuver around Triceracop but is unable to do so.
Triceracop places his hand on the door and slowly opens it “Possibly. If you hear anything let me know….” Triceracop gives a halfhearted smile before shoving Zenzeroni out the door.
Zenzeroni takes his normal route home to his apartment and looks up at the sky which was indeed looking dangerous. There certainly was a storm brewing but Zenzeroni still had a long way to go until he was home. Normally he liked his long walks. It let him think through the games (for better or worse) and with the salty ocean air, it made for a mostly refreshing walk. But today the vibe felt different. Zenzeroni tried to avoid the news and TV as much as he could with all the publicity regarding the ban kickers movement so he had been unaware there was a hurricane barreling toward Bondi Beach.
About a half-hour into his walk home, the wind starts to pick up, and then the rain starts coming down. Slow and methodical it felt like the hurricane had directed all of its power at Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni struggled to push against the power of the storm and what would have been a half hour to reach home stretched for an additional hour. He was finally able to reach his block where he had recently opened “Zen’s Za” his new Italian pizza joint that was a big hit in the city. He looked ahead to see his apartment complex had boarded up the windows and put sandbags at the entrance. He tried the door and the door was locked. Peering inside he looked for someone who could open the door for him but seeing no one started to turn around.
As he turned a bolt of lightning struck the building and he swore, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadowy figure in the lobby of the apartment. He looked back at the apartment but seeing no one, started to make his way to his newly opened restaurant that, unlike the apartment, had no protection against the storm. He walked into the restaurant, took a seat at one of the tables, and put his head in his hands. After everything he had gone through during the season, he was just one day from a fresh start and, as he sat in the dark not wanting to turn on the electricity knowing it would just go out, he thought to himself how nice it was that the hurricane would wash away the past and allow him to start fresh. But at that moment there was a loud crash as a 2x4 crashed through the window closest to Zenzeroni spraying glass across him and knocking him out sending him sprawling across the now wet floor.
Zenzeroni slowly opened his eyes and groaned as he felt pain in his head. Zenzeroni rolled his head around trying to get rid of the kinks and knots in his neck. While doing this, his eyes grazed past a picture of himself he had put up in the restaurant of him kicking a Bondi Beach record 56 yard field goal which snapped him back to reality. He glanced over at the clock and saw that it was still the same time as he had first entered the restaurant meaning he must have been knocked out for only a few seconds. Then, getting up, he looked outside and saw that the storm had died massively. In fact, the night sky was clear of any clouds at all! Surprised it was so nice because of what Triceracop had told him earlier, he realized he still had time for his original draft day plans. While he certainly didn’t want to be around his family on draft day, he did want to be with his college teammates at Spaghetti School in his home country of New Zealand.
Looking around for his bag, Zenzeroni finds it and picks it up without even giving it a second look. He walks outside and realizes for the most part the hurricane seemed to have missed Bondi Beach entirely. His shop seemed to be the only store in the entire town to be damaged at all. In fact, while it had clearly rained, there was no flooding whatsoever. Instead, the streets seemed to shine with the glow of wet pavement giving it an almost fantasy-like feel.
Still looking in bewilderment at the now perfectly clear night, someone approaches him out of breath. “You’ve saved us all! You’ve killed the evil Multi of the South! We are forever in your debt!”.
Zenzeroni confused turns to face this mysterious figure “What are you talking about? Killed? And who are you?”
The mysterious figure pulls down her hood “Why I’m the Good GM of the South! My name is honey nice to meet you! And yes killed. That is what I would call it at least”. Honey turns to Zenzeroni’s restaurant where the ashes of what once was a person sits in the chimney. “He’s very crafty and resourceful you know. You must watch out for his alter egos he is quite the elusive man. But X-Man, the Multi of the South is quite simply the newest and least creative of the bunch”.
Zenzeroni stares ahead shocked at what he has just seen “Well should we call the police or something? I could call Triceracop he would know what to do. I don’t even know how that happened”.
“Don’t be silly I can take care of all that myself. As far as what happened, well X-Man got complacent and when you had fired up your oven he had been trying to get into the restaurant through the chimney and he was burnt to a crisp! Now you need to be on your way to your final destination. Hurry before the multis find you! And watch out for MEE!” Honey pushes Zenzeroni along until he begins walking on his own accord flabbergasted as to what had just occurred while thinking about how he had never heated up the oven that night in the first place which was just one of the confusing aspects of the entire interaction.
Nonetheless, Zenzeroni headed to the airport where there were still no signs that a hurricane had occurred. The roads were empty which made sense considering people would want to stay off the road in the case of a hurricane but it still seemed odd. Upon reaching the airport Zenzeroni was about to go through the gates but was pulled aside by what appeared to be a pilot. “Hello! You must be Zenzeroni. It is an honor to have you aboard for tonight's flight. We are so excited to have you!”
“How did you know I was coming? I haven’t even purchased tickets yet”.
“Tickets? Why would YOU need tickets? You killed the Multi of the South! You are a legend around here. The least I could do is repay you with a free private jet trip to your college campus”.
“Well that’s all very nice I suppose. I guess I might as well take the offer”.
“Wonderful! Right this way!”
Zenzeroni follows the mysterious pilot to a luxury private jet with all the amenities and luxuries one could possibly ask for. But right as he reaches the steps to the plane, a bunch of strange robot creatures begin piling out and one representative takes the lead, sizes up Zenzeroni, and says “Ah, the mighty taco, a culinary delight that transcends time and space!”
“What?” Is all Zenzeroni can manage to sputter out.
“Oh, these are the Evil Wizard’s minions. I thought you already knew about this? They are why you are here in the first place right? To defeat the Evil Wizard and restore freedom to this world?”
“No, I….what?! Evil Wizard? Weird robot minions? What is happening?”
“So, my dear interlocutor, I must say that I wholeheartedly endorse the consumption of tacos, for they are a true testament to the wonders of gastronomy. Let us revel in the joy of tacos and savor their delectable essence!” The robot minion continues spewing.
“It’s easier to just ignore them. They really aren’t much of a threat but the Evil Wizard uses them to keep a watchful eye over the kingdom and make sure everyone follows the rules and regulations of Taco Town.
“Taco Town? We are in Bondi Beach”
The pilot begins laughing thinking Zenzeroni is telling a joke “You are such a funny character Mr. Xystarch let’s head on out of here”. And with that, the pilot pushes Zenzeroni aboard the plane and Zenzeroni has no choice but to find a seat.
What looks like the leader of the robot minions comes forward and looks Zenzeroni dead in the eye with a creepy smile on his face “I must caution against crossing the boundaries of legality and personal privacy. Respect the laws of your land and adhere to ethical guidelines when collecting information. Remember, a true knight upholds honor and integrity”. Then the robot swiftly turns and disembarks the plane joining the rest of the robot minions who begin pulling out tacos from a hatch in their stomachs.
“I will try and avoid the robot hotspots. Where we are heading there will be some danger but nothing compared to other parts of the kingdom. Just be aware that the Evil Wizard is always watching and using the taco minions to help him with his mission” The pilot says before closing the pilot door leaving Zenzeorni alone in the back of the plane to ponder the sequence of events that just unfolded.
The flight goes smoothly and they land without problems. Zenzeroni gets off the plane and waits for the pilot to come down the steps before shaking his hand “I appreciate the free ride it was an incredibly smooth flight! I didn’t feel any turbulence and the landing was as smooth as butter. What’s your name?”
“Oh, you are too kind Mr. Xystarch. My name is Akoustique. I’m a retired sea captain who decided to switch from the high seas to going sky high” Akoustique chuckles to himself and heads in the opposite direction of Zenzeroni.
Zenzeroni arrives on the Spaghetti School campus and reminisces about the good (and bad) times in his 4 years of school. Before he can even get his bearings a man comes rushing up to him and gives him a big hug “Well if it isn’t the spaghetti splitter himself” Stunned for the billionth time in one day, Zenzeroni’s best friend Linguine Zamboni lays before him. “But you’re dead”.
“What are you talking about? Does it look like I’m dead to you? You really are the same old prankster even after all this time!” He punches Zenzeroni in a joking manner.
“No. You’re dead. You were pushed into a vat of marinara sauce by one of my father's associates because you had uncovered the truth about the experiment they had done to me! You even had a letter that was given to me by your business partner after you had died explaining all this to me!”.
“Sounds like you are probably sleep-deprived from that long flight over here. Either way you have no time to sleep we have a cooking show to record!”.
“What? No, I’m here to watch the ISFL draft that’s happening…” Zenzeroni goes to look at his watch but finds that it is somehow missing. “I’m here to watch the ISFL draft that is happening I’m sure sometime real soon! Now let’s go find a TV so that we can watch it together and so that I can get my mind straight”.
“Woah there buddy I don’t think so! We can’t let all of our viewers down that have been waiting for this special return episode of Zenzeroni “The Spaghetti Splitter” Xystarch II! Anyway, you brought your stuff so you were clearly looking forward to tonight's episode just as much as I was”.
“Well yeah of course I brought my….” Zenzeroni trails off as he sees a whisk protruding from his bag. “What the hell?”. Zenzeroni rips open his bag and where he thought he had put his clothes and laptop were instead all of his cooking supplies. ”I didn’t pack this! Look, I’m happy to see you, but I don’t think I’m ready. I haven’t done a cooking show since I was a student here”.
“I’m sure you will shake off the cobwebs in no time!” And with that Zenzeroni is whisked away and to the cooking halls of Spaghetti School.
Zenzeroni enters the all too familiar halls of Spaghetti School and to the production studio where they put on various cooking shows. When they get there they are met by a chorus of boos all holding signs saying “ban kickers”.
“What the hell? I thought you said there were fans here to watch the show?”
Linguine Zamboni shrugs “Yeah about that…. When the evil wizard took over he further elevated our rival school Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters and forced everyone to become fans of them. They are led by Jordan “Mario” Bamford a complete schmuck that can’t cook to save his life. If you are able to defeat him that should be enough to free everyone from his evil clutches”.
As Linguine finishes his explanation there is a roar of cheers and applause as Bamford enters the studio. Bamford waves and smiles with his crazy wario-like mustache but just as he reaches his side of the kitchen he slips and falls on his face much to the amusement of the crowd who try not to laugh at Bamford’s clumsiness. Bamford rights himself and, seeing one of the people in the crowd laughing, stares him down and points at him “Bring him to the Evil Wizard right now!” within seconds the robot creatures Zenzeorni had seen earlier reappear and take the crowd member away “Ah, dear interlocutor, fear not, for I, MEE6, the valiant robot knight, am always armed”. Is the last thing Zenzeroni hears from them as they disappear through the studio door.
“Alright anyone else want to make fun of the clear bump in the floor that caused me to trip? I will need to fire whoever did the flooring in this terribly stuffy and miserable studio. Let’s get this show on the road so I can go home and count all the money I have been laundering from the bets I lose but pretend to win”.
“That was oddly specific” Zenzeroni comments.
“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from, to be honest. But you got this I will be cheering for you in spirit!” Linguine makes his way into the crowd and Zenzeroni stands at his station taking stock of the supplies and food around him.
The show starts with Bamford making extravagant motions with his hands trying to look as regal as possible but just looks like one of those crazy inflatable guys that are outside every used car salesman’s lot. “Today we are here with the terrible, evil, no good, rotten member of the kicker movement Zenzeroni Xystarch”. A loud chorus of boos emanates from the crowd as a sign lights up telling them to boo. “In today's episode, we will be competing to make the best spaghetti and meatballs and will be judged by our three wonderful judges”.
Bamford gestures to a table with three people. The first is DL whom Zenzeroni has always had an up-and-down relationship with. The second is a MEE6 bot, and the third is Zenzeroni’s long-time friend Linguine Zamboni. “These three will give their unaltered raw feedback and decide who is the best cook in the kitchen! Upon Zenzeorni’s failure to get the better of me, he will be brought before the Evil Wizard and sentenced to life without kicking and will have his legs chopped off as punishment for his revolting ways!” The crowd cheers and Bamford takes a bow which causes his mustache to come off slightly as Zenzeorni discovers his mustache is actually fake.
“Wait wh–”
“Alright, and the time starts now!”. Bamford rushes behind his station accidentally bumping into his table and sending his cooking equipment sprawling across the ground. Zenzeroni calmly takes stock of the situation, takes a deep breath, and begins making his favorite dish, spaghetti and meatballs.
Zenzeroni works at a feverish speed flying across the kitchen like the true veteran he is. The crowd ooooooos and ahhhhs at everything Zenzreoni does as his dish masterfully comes together. On the other side of the kitchen, things aren’t going nearly as smoothly. Mario Bamford, who thought he could “fake it till you make it” has no idea what he is doing or where to even begin. He attempts to make dough but instead of using flour uses sugar and his mix is way too liquidy as he poured water into the bowl with the sugar. Zenzeorni chuckles to himself as he masterfully adds the perfect amount of flour, salt, milk, and eggs leading to the perfect dough for his noodles as his dish comes together just as he wants it to. After making the individual noodles, he shifts his focus over to the marinara sauce.
This is something he has done countless times before and never had a problem with, but when he goes to cut the tomatoes they begin moving on their own. Then start floating around his head. Then he begins hearing a sound coming from them. And as he focuses more and more on them the sound isn’t just sound, it’s little tiny voices coming from the Tomatos “Ban kickers! Ban kickers! Ban kickers!” They repeat over and over again. Zenzeroni tries to cover his ears but the voices still persist. Eventually, after what feels like an eternity, another voice can be heard above the sound of the crazy tomatoes, “Zen, Zenzeroni, Zen you ok?”.
Zenzeroni opens his eyes and sees Linguine in front of him and the tomatoes untouched on the cutting board before him. “Yeah I just had something very strange happen just now. But I’m ok now”.
“Alright well, you better hurry you have 5 minutes to finish your dish”. Zenzeroni looks at the clock in shock and looks at the unfinished sauce and uncooked noodles before him. Meanwhile, Bamford had magically pulled it together and had the best noodles Zen had ever seen and was in the process of stirring his sauce that looked like it had all the right seasoning. Zenzeroni couldn’t believe Bamford could turn his miserable start around until he saw movement under Bamford’s station and noticed the tiny robot minions slaving away doing all the work for him. But as Bamford picked up the sauce bowl to bring it over to the noodles, he once more tripped and fell sending the marinara sauce all over himself and his kitchen. Once more the crowd had to stifle their laughter at the sheer stupidity and ineptness of Bamford. Zenzeroni realized he still had a chance to win the competition and worked at light speed to finish the sauce and cook the noodles as much as he could.
The timer hits 0 and the alarms go off. Zenzeroni and the marinara-covered Mario Bamford put their hands up as both dishes are done for better or worse. The dishes are brought over to the three judges who inspect both dishes starting with Zenzeroni. The first judge, DL, inspects the plate and twirls his fork around the plate before taking the tiniest bite imaginable. He slowly chews before spitting it out. The crowd gasps in shock “Undercooked, not enough seasoning, and where are the meatballs?”.
“I didn’t have time chef”.
“I could make a spaghetti and meatballs in half the time you were given. That is a terrible excuse. With those low points aside the dish was quite pleasant. The sauce was a perfect consistency and the pasta had all the right ingredients. It’s just a shame you weren’t able to cook your noodles properly. And the missing meatballs are another big miss”.
“Understood chef. Thank you”.
Next, the robot minion looks at the food, picks up a fork, and begins mashing the dish with the fork sending the food flying everywhere “Tacos, traditionally, are bestowed with a glorious crispness, achieved through the art of frying or grilling. The notion of boiling a taco seems rather unorthodox, for it risks compromising the textural symphony that is the hallmark of this delectable dish. I would therefore advise against the pursuit of boiled tacos and instead encourage you to revel in the golden, crunchy embrace of a meticulously fried or grilled creation”.
“Um. Ok….Thank you chef”.
Finally, Zenzeroni’s good friend Linguine takes the remaining plate and attempts to pick apart and find a piece of the dish that has enough food to make a proper opinion. “Well I wasn’t really able to get a good taste of the dish but like our first judge Mr. DL said, missing the meatballs is a big factor considering it is one of the two main parts of the dish Spaghetti and MEATBALLS”.
“Understood chef. Thank you for your constructive criticism”.
Linguine sets the remaining dish to the side as DL grabs Mario Bamford's dish. The dish has no sauce whatsoever but has the noodles and meatballs that were clearly not made by him. The judge takes a bite and then another, and another eating half the plate.
“Good sir this is the most splendid concoction I have ever tasted! I really like your innovative take on a classic dish such as spaghetti and meatballs. This literal take should honestly be the new norm”. The judge passes the dish over to the robot minion who stares at it and raises his hand in preparation to smash his hand down like he did last time but Linguine yanks the plate away before he can “Ah, a reverse taco, a concept that tickles the imagination! In the realm of gastronomy, a reverse taco would be a peculiar creation indeed. Picture, if you will, a delectable culinary delight where the roles of the tortilla and the filling are reversed”.
“Let’s see what we have here”. Linguine takes a bite of Mario’s spaghetti, cringes without the sauce and puts on a forced smile, “This dish is….excellent. Good job at improvising a true masterclass in never giving up!”.
DL claps his hands together “Alright I think it’s time we vote! After analyzing both dishes I think hands down the best dish was Mario’s”. A thunderous round of applause from the crowd begins with one person even beginning to cry (from happiness or sadness it can’t be determined).
The robot minion steps up on the table and proclaims, “Ah, greetings, noble interlocutor! I wholeheartedly concur with your sentiment. Let us celebrate the bard's accomplishments with a hearty feast of tacos in their honor!”. More applause as Linguine clears his throat and stands up “Zenzeroni, your dish was I’m sure excellent but Mario is…..” Linguine pauses for a second with a pained look on his face “Mario is the better chef today”.
Zenzeroni, in a fit of anger, charges directly at Mario pulls back his leg, and slams it right into Mario’s meatballs. But instead of connecting with Mario’s meatballs, Zenzeroni’s leg goes flying through the trench coat as Mario practically explodes sending little creatures everywhere. Turns out, Mario Bamford was just a bunch of robot minions dressed in a trenchcoat. Seeing that their ruse had been foiled they scurry off, likely to inform the Evil Wizard of the new boss in town Zenzeroni Xystarch II.
Zenzeroni still fuming mad swipes up his belongings and begins storming out of the studio when he hears cheers echoing throughout the studio. But this time, the cheers sounded genuine, and they weren’t for Mario Bamford but for himself. Zenzeroni straightens his posture before taking an elegant bow and then shakes the hand of his good friend. “You have saved us all for now but I fear the Evil Wizard’s shadow still looms large. You must put a stop to the Evil Wizard’s robot minion empire and put a stop to his reign over Taco Town!”. Linguine escorts Zenzeroni off campus and back on a plane where the pilot Akoustique was already waiting.
“But what about the draft? Surely I won’t get back in time for the draft!”.
Linguine shakes his head solemnly “There won’t be a draft if the Evil Wizard has anything to do with it. At least not for you. This is your only chance so you have to take it!”. Linguine closes the cabin door leaving Zenzeroni alone with his thoughts once more as Akoustique gets into position and begins his normal pre-flight procedures.
“I’m afraid this next place isn’t going to be much better”. He says before shutting the pilot door.
The flight once again goes as smooth as butter and Zenzeroni looks outside to see a giant sign right before landing that reads “Welcome to London Berlin”.
Zenzeroni shakes his head and blinks a couple of times trying to wake himself up and see straight but by the time he does this, the plane has already gone past the sign and is nearing touchdown. Zen gets off the plane as he remains confused like he has for the past however long this whole situation has gone on for and asks Akoustique “Where are we?”.
“London Berlin of course! It’s the second biggest city outside of the evil wizards home in all of Taco Town!”.
“And what exactly are we doing here?”
“Well since you have already helped Spaghetti School rid themselves of the evil wizard's clutches, we thought you could do the same for London Berlin! Golden Boote rules with an iron boot and we need your help to free the city! He is in cahoots with the evil Orange Julius who serves OJ that keeps people under the influence of the evil wizard”.
“Right…so I need to stop this OJ from being sold and stop people from drinking it to get the people of London Berlin out of the trance that they are in?”.
“Correct. But be careful Golden Boote often hires multis as mercenaries to prevent people like you from saving the city”.
“Ok, I will see what I can do I suppose?”. Zen says as he gathers his belongings and adventures into the city. And Akoustique the pilot was not joking when he said OJ was being served in the city. It was being sold at every single corner of every single street. And every single person had a cup of OJ in their hands and were walking happily along. At the center of the city, Zenzeroni found a statue of Golden Foote which was 10 stories tall and depicted Golden Foote with a cup of OJ in his hand as he was in the middle of kicking a football. Zenzeroni continued to marvel at the statue until someone tapped him on the shoulder and turning around he found a very eccentric happy man who looked shockingly like the statue. The man held his hand out with a cup of OJ offering it to Zenzeroni. “Hello! I noticed you didn’t have any OJ so I went and got you a cup!”
“No thanks. I’m not really thirsty right now”.
Zenzeroni attempts to move away from the man but another approaches from the opposite direction. “Oh, come on! You could really go for a cup of OJ. Nothing like a cup of OJ in the morning to get you started!” Zenzeorni once more tries to steer away from the two men but a third, and fourth, and fifth, and soon enough it felt like half the city had surrounded Zenzeorni in an attempt to hand him a cup of OJ and drink it until a booming voice causes the crowd to clear.
“Zenzeroni. I have been expecting you. Please let me introduce myself”. Zenzeroni looks around for the voice until he gazes upon quite the sight. A man appears from the crowd being held up by four people as he sits atop a throne. Zenzeroni immediately recognizes him to be Golden Foote based on his feet that were adorned in incredibly shiny gold boots that were on a pedestal in view of everyone. The crowd continues to make room for Golden Foote who, upon reaching Zenzeroni, lifts his hand up and the people carrying him immediately stop. But Golden Foote does not get up. Instead, he addresses Zenzeroni from the comfort of his throne. “Zenzeroni it brings me great sadness you have not accepted this delicious OJ from my fellow friends. Golden Eye was so thoughtful to bring you a drink, as was Golden Arm, and Golden Nose. In fact, this whole city has been wonderful to you and all you do is reject them? I’m so enraged I forgot to introduce myself! I am Golden Foote and you shall be looking up to me for years…nay… centuries to come! For I will be drafted before you in the ISFL draft! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Golden Foote begins coughing and one of his servants offers him OJ which he hits out of the servant's hand sending it spilling across the floor. “I have been tasked with leading London Berlin to great victory by the evil wizard himself!”.
“Wait, so you literally call him the evil wizard? Don’t you think that’s kind of weird. Like If you think he’s evil then why are you helping him?”.
“I hadn’t thought about that. That was just kind of the nickname everyone was giving him so I thought it was pretty normal. Huh, maybe you are on to something….”.
“Don’t be a fool he is using his trick plays to get you to side with him!” A new figure steps forward behind Golden Foote in a giant Orange Juice costume.
“Orange Julius what the hell is going on here? Take off that stupid costume. Whatever is going on here can you stop it. I’m trying to go home and watch the draft”.
“The draft is pointless! You won’t be drafted as the evil wizard has decreed! Golden Foote has been drafted only because he is to uphold the integrity and honor of the evil wizard and his taco minion army and despite what many think Golden Foote is actually anti-kicker and has been posing as a kicker to get closer and shut down the kicking operation from the inside!”.
“Orange Julius. I am tired of this bullshit. I wake up, have to compete in some cooking competition, and now find out you are spiking your drinks to make people listen to anything the evil wizard says. And now I’m starting to sound like a crazy person”.
Golden Foote barges into the conversation “Drink this OJ with my fellow Taco Town family and all your crazy thoughts and feelings will go away”. Golden Foote pours a glass of OJ and offers it to Zenzeorni.
Zenzeroni, thinking fast on his feet says “Wow is that the evil wizard?”. Zenzeroni points in a random direction and when everyone turns to look Zenzeroni runs off disappearing into the crowd. In the time that Orange Julius and Golden Foote took to go on their monologue, Zenzeroni had come up with an ingenious plan. He ran around the city using his surprising stamina to avoid the Golden Foote multis chasing him down every corner until he reached his destination, a giant water tower overlooking the entire city. Zenzeroni used his super strong kicking leg and with one kick to the base of the water tower, it tumbled down and spilled water down the building flooding the entire town. The water drowned out the Orange Juice and rehydrated everyone in London Berlin with the correct form of liquid and cleared their thoughts allowing them to think freely for the first time since the evil wizard had taken over.
Meanwhile, Golden Foote sat in a puddle with his golden boots sopping wet and all he could do was whine and pout along with Orange Julius next to him in the costume that looked extremely depressing now that it had been soaked through. “You may have defeated us but nothing can stop the evil wizard from banning kickers for good!” Orange Julius yelled at Zenzeroni as he marched his way out of town with the townspeople cheering for him the whole way to his plane.
“Thank you so much Sir Xystarch the city of London Berlin is forever thankful for what you have done for them today. But it is now time to face the biggest threat to our very existence, the evil wizard himself. I must warn you he has gotten increasingly scarier and unpredictable as time has gone on. Apparently, his taco minions aren’t cooperating with him properly leading to him using more and more desperate measures to ban kickers. But I trust that you will put a stop to this madness and all of Taco Town will be free again!”. Akoustique tells him.
And so Zenzeroni takes one last flight on Air Akoustique. As they get closer and closer to their destination the land below gets darker and darker, more and more trees dot the ground, and smoke and fog fill the air. Zenzeroni disembarks and immediately begins coughing with all the smoke and fog in the air. “Do you have any warnings for me this time around?” Zenzeroni asks.
“The Evil Wizard uses the ghosts of his victims as a shield to block himself from anyone looking for him. Do not allow them to get in your head because if you aren’t careful you could become one of them yourself”. And with that, Akoustique gets on the plane and leaves.
“Wait how am I supposed to get back?” Zenzeroni calls out as the plane takes off.
Alone on the landing strip with nothing but trees, smoke, and fog for as far as the eye can see, Zenzeroni picks a direction and begins walking. Zenzeroni walks, and walks, and walks with no end in sight, no perception of time, no idea if it is day or night but he continues to walk, and walk, and walk until he hears a voice “Tua goes back to pass and down he goes! Big sack for….” Zenzeroni looks around for the voice.
“Hello? Who’s there?”. Zenzeroni hears nothing more so he continues to walk until a short time later another voice can be heard:
“Lenard gets the ball on his own 20 trying to find an open man and he is swallowed up!”. Zenzeroni spins around trying to see who could be saying this but once again no one is around.
Zenzeroni walks at a more careful pace trying to see anything out of the ordinary when he hears the voice again “Austin Gausman will be feeling that one after such a strong hit by…..”. And this time out of the corner of his eye Zenzeroni sees something crashing into a tree sending dead leaves and branches tumbling down.
Zenzeroni takes a step back and is met immediately with another voice “There is no hope for Octavian as he is swallowed up for the sack”. And another loud crash opposite of where he heard the previous one but he turns to look and there is nothing there.
“Josh Patterson is lucky to have gotten up after that sack as……continues to rack up and add to the sack counter”. BOOM a loud sound directly next to Zenzeorni sends him in a full sprint through the woods. Not looking back to see what it was, Zenzeroni takes off running as more and more voices filter in through the fog “SACKED”, “Might as well quit” “He has no hope”, “Give up” “GOOD NIGHT!”. Zenzeroni stumbles and trips over a tree root sending him tumbling to the ground.
“And that’s going to do it for Maximus Boudreaux being carted off the field after a brutal injury by…..” Zenzeroni lays there for a moment then slowly sits up and looks ahead at the path before him and sees a giant silhouetted figure standing 100 yards ahead of him. The figure is in a football like pose and, as if on cue, as soon as Zenzeorni makes eye contact the figure sprints full speed at Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni, paralyzed in fear doesn’t get up, just sits there in full panic with his hands and arms covering his head as he prepares for the hit but just as he is about to get hit the figure is pancaked by someone Zenzeroni hadn’t seen that must have been hiding behind one of the trees. Zenzeroni brushes himself off and rushes over to where he saw the pancake take place but when he gets there, there’s nothing but a pile of dead leaves.
Still shaken by the encounter Zenzeroni marches forward and in the distance, Zenzeorni begins to see a giant taco castle. Taco Castle is the best descriptor for it because it is literally a castle shaped like a taco. But the castle looks to be in disrepair with everything worn down and overgrown. Zenzeorni knocks on the big oak door but when no one answers he pushes it open causing it to creak.
Zenzeroni walks through the empty halls of what must have been at one time, a beautiful castle. No one seems to be around and even animals seem to have avoided making their home here. Zenzeroni makes it to the great hall where a taco throne is nestled at the far center wall. Zenzeroni makes his way over to the throne which seems to have been in use somewhat recently as there is still some fresh lettuce on the throne steps but there is no one to be seen. Zenzeroni assumes the castle must be empty, at least for the time being, until he hears a sound, quiet at first but after focusing in he can make it out more clearly.
Crying. Someone, not that far away, was crying. Zenzeroni knew he needed to help whoever was in trouble and raced around the castle until he found the Wizard’s quarters and behind the bedroom door was where the crying was coming from. Zenzeroni braced himself and opened the door and what lay before him was shocking.
Thor Dangerson sat, with a taco crown sitting forlornly on his head, with a taco minion in his hands, and was weeping uncontrollably. Thor took one glance up before resuming looking down at his taco minion “I don’t know what I did wrong! They, they, they gave up on me! After everything we have been through! After everything I have done for them! They just stopped working with me!”. Thor says more to himself than to Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni looks at the lifeless taco minion in Thor’s hands and realizes what has happened.
“You used up all your commands didn’t you?”. Zenzeroni says and sits down next to Thor.
“I didn’t know it was possible! I designed them to be indestructible!”.
“Everything good must come to an end eventually. Maybe this is for the better. Maybe it will allow you to focus on what really matters. We may not have always gotten along but I’d hate to see your talents be used up talking to a robot all day. Even if you were trying to ban kickers I know your intentions were good. Maybe we need to team up and work together”.
“You mean that?”
“Well look, I heard what you are capable of out in those woods and I’d rather not be on the other side of that”.
“How did you get past the spooky forest anyway?”.
“I don’t really know. There was something or someone that tackled one of those scary ghost figures that seemed to save me”.
“Huh, I wonder what that could have been. I thought the ghosts around here would drive you away. And that final ghost is my past self continuing to wreak havoc in the DSFL and stop anyone from entering my castle. Well whoever, or whatever it was, I’m glad it stopped me this one time”.
“Where are we anyways?”.
“Yellowknife of course. This is where I’m getting drafted. Why are you here?”.
“To stop you from banning kickers and spreading your taco minions throughout the world”.
“Are you sure about that?”
“What do you–”
Zenzeroni gets slapped across the face.
“Triceracop he just got hit in the head by a 2x4 that is no way to wake him back up” a voice sounding shockingly like honey says.
Zenzeroni rubs his eyes and slowly sits up but feels a pulsing pain in his head and lays right back down. “What the hell happened?” Zenzeroni groans.
“You were out like a light for the past 24 hours. When I found you you were sprawled out across your restaurant floor as the flooding began”. Triceracop says.
“Flooding? There was no flooding. It missed us”. Zenzeroni tries to get up quickly as he has a realization “Is Spaghetti School okay? How is London Berlin?! The taco minions were stopped right?!”.
Triceracop holds Zenzeroni firmly down in bed to stop him from injuring himself “Woah there cowboy, looks like someone’s just a bit concussed”. Triceracop chuckles.
“No, but you were there Triceracop don’t you remember. And honey! You were the good GM of the South don’t you remember? And Akoustique where is he? He was my pilot!”.
“Alright let’s get you some food and drink to clear your head a bit” Triceracop says producing a grilled cheese sandwich and orange juice to drink.
“YES! And Orange Julius! I saved London Berlin from Golden Foote and Orange Julius by flooding the town with water!”.
“I’d say that is the opposite of what is going on around these parts” Triceracop says. And Zenzeroni looks outside to see the streets with at least two feet of water. “You know, I tried to let you into the apartment when you got home from your walk but you didn’t pay attention to me”. Triceracop says.
“I’m sorry I guess I just had a lot on my mind. Did I miss the draft?”.
“Funnily enough, no. It will be coming on in a couple of hours. Do you know who is going to pick you up?”.
“I’ve got a pretty good idea,” Zenzeroni says chuckling to himself as he takes a big swig of Orange Juice.
**All Robot (MEE6) quotes are direct quotes from Thor Dangerson’s maniacal questions in the Yellowknife locker room
Zenzeroni walked into the locker room of the Bondi Beach Buccaneers after practicing his kicks during the offseason. Usually, the field was quiet this late in the day, but this time he was met with a surprise. Fellow rookie and upcoming draftee Triceracop met Zenzeroni as he was getting ready to head home for the day. “You better watch out. There’s a storm coming. Heard there is going to be a pretty big hurricane that is supposed to hit later tonight”.
“Well that’s not good. Do you think it is going to affect our ability to be drafted tomorrow night?” Zenzeroni asks as he continues to pack up his belongings.
“I don’t think so. It will be pretty bad overnight and throughout most of the day but it should pass through in time for us to be able to watch the draft as a team tomorrow night. And worst comes to worst we can watch it from the safety of our own homes”.
Zenzeroni nods his head and begins making his way toward the locker room door but Triceracop steps in his way blocking the door like he would a defensive lineman. “One more thing, You haven’t heard anything about a player by the name of Thor Dangerson have you?
“Not necessarily should I be concerned?” Zenzeroni asks as he tries to maneuver around Triceracop but is unable to do so.
Triceracop places his hand on the door and slowly opens it “Possibly. If you hear anything let me know….” Triceracop gives a halfhearted smile before shoving Zenzeroni out the door.
Zenzeroni takes his normal route home to his apartment and looks up at the sky which was indeed looking dangerous. There certainly was a storm brewing but Zenzeroni still had a long way to go until he was home. Normally he liked his long walks. It let him think through the games (for better or worse) and with the salty ocean air, it made for a mostly refreshing walk. But today the vibe felt different. Zenzeroni tried to avoid the news and TV as much as he could with all the publicity regarding the ban kickers movement so he had been unaware there was a hurricane barreling toward Bondi Beach.
About a half-hour into his walk home, the wind starts to pick up, and then the rain starts coming down. Slow and methodical it felt like the hurricane had directed all of its power at Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni struggled to push against the power of the storm and what would have been a half hour to reach home stretched for an additional hour. He was finally able to reach his block where he had recently opened “Zen’s Za” his new Italian pizza joint that was a big hit in the city. He looked ahead to see his apartment complex had boarded up the windows and put sandbags at the entrance. He tried the door and the door was locked. Peering inside he looked for someone who could open the door for him but seeing no one started to turn around.
As he turned a bolt of lightning struck the building and he swore, out of the corner of his eye, he saw a shadowy figure in the lobby of the apartment. He looked back at the apartment but seeing no one, started to make his way to his newly opened restaurant that, unlike the apartment, had no protection against the storm. He walked into the restaurant, took a seat at one of the tables, and put his head in his hands. After everything he had gone through during the season, he was just one day from a fresh start and, as he sat in the dark not wanting to turn on the electricity knowing it would just go out, he thought to himself how nice it was that the hurricane would wash away the past and allow him to start fresh. But at that moment there was a loud crash as a 2x4 crashed through the window closest to Zenzeroni spraying glass across him and knocking him out sending him sprawling across the now wet floor.
Zenzeroni slowly opened his eyes and groaned as he felt pain in his head. Zenzeroni rolled his head around trying to get rid of the kinks and knots in his neck. While doing this, his eyes grazed past a picture of himself he had put up in the restaurant of him kicking a Bondi Beach record 56 yard field goal which snapped him back to reality. He glanced over at the clock and saw that it was still the same time as he had first entered the restaurant meaning he must have been knocked out for only a few seconds. Then, getting up, he looked outside and saw that the storm had died massively. In fact, the night sky was clear of any clouds at all! Surprised it was so nice because of what Triceracop had told him earlier, he realized he still had time for his original draft day plans. While he certainly didn’t want to be around his family on draft day, he did want to be with his college teammates at Spaghetti School in his home country of New Zealand.
Looking around for his bag, Zenzeroni finds it and picks it up without even giving it a second look. He walks outside and realizes for the most part the hurricane seemed to have missed Bondi Beach entirely. His shop seemed to be the only store in the entire town to be damaged at all. In fact, while it had clearly rained, there was no flooding whatsoever. Instead, the streets seemed to shine with the glow of wet pavement giving it an almost fantasy-like feel.
Still looking in bewilderment at the now perfectly clear night, someone approaches him out of breath. “You’ve saved us all! You’ve killed the evil Multi of the South! We are forever in your debt!”.
Zenzeroni confused turns to face this mysterious figure “What are you talking about? Killed? And who are you?”
The mysterious figure pulls down her hood “Why I’m the Good GM of the South! My name is honey nice to meet you! And yes killed. That is what I would call it at least”. Honey turns to Zenzeroni’s restaurant where the ashes of what once was a person sits in the chimney. “He’s very crafty and resourceful you know. You must watch out for his alter egos he is quite the elusive man. But X-Man, the Multi of the South is quite simply the newest and least creative of the bunch”.
Zenzeroni stares ahead shocked at what he has just seen “Well should we call the police or something? I could call Triceracop he would know what to do. I don’t even know how that happened”.
“Don’t be silly I can take care of all that myself. As far as what happened, well X-Man got complacent and when you had fired up your oven he had been trying to get into the restaurant through the chimney and he was burnt to a crisp! Now you need to be on your way to your final destination. Hurry before the multis find you! And watch out for MEE!” Honey pushes Zenzeroni along until he begins walking on his own accord flabbergasted as to what had just occurred while thinking about how he had never heated up the oven that night in the first place which was just one of the confusing aspects of the entire interaction.
Nonetheless, Zenzeroni headed to the airport where there were still no signs that a hurricane had occurred. The roads were empty which made sense considering people would want to stay off the road in the case of a hurricane but it still seemed odd. Upon reaching the airport Zenzeroni was about to go through the gates but was pulled aside by what appeared to be a pilot. “Hello! You must be Zenzeroni. It is an honor to have you aboard for tonight's flight. We are so excited to have you!”
“How did you know I was coming? I haven’t even purchased tickets yet”.
“Tickets? Why would YOU need tickets? You killed the Multi of the South! You are a legend around here. The least I could do is repay you with a free private jet trip to your college campus”.
“Well that’s all very nice I suppose. I guess I might as well take the offer”.
“Wonderful! Right this way!”
Zenzeroni follows the mysterious pilot to a luxury private jet with all the amenities and luxuries one could possibly ask for. But right as he reaches the steps to the plane, a bunch of strange robot creatures begin piling out and one representative takes the lead, sizes up Zenzeroni, and says “Ah, the mighty taco, a culinary delight that transcends time and space!”
“What?” Is all Zenzeroni can manage to sputter out.
“Oh, these are the Evil Wizard’s minions. I thought you already knew about this? They are why you are here in the first place right? To defeat the Evil Wizard and restore freedom to this world?”
“No, I….what?! Evil Wizard? Weird robot minions? What is happening?”
“So, my dear interlocutor, I must say that I wholeheartedly endorse the consumption of tacos, for they are a true testament to the wonders of gastronomy. Let us revel in the joy of tacos and savor their delectable essence!” The robot minion continues spewing.
“It’s easier to just ignore them. They really aren’t much of a threat but the Evil Wizard uses them to keep a watchful eye over the kingdom and make sure everyone follows the rules and regulations of Taco Town.
“Taco Town? We are in Bondi Beach”
The pilot begins laughing thinking Zenzeroni is telling a joke “You are such a funny character Mr. Xystarch let’s head on out of here”. And with that, the pilot pushes Zenzeroni aboard the plane and Zenzeroni has no choice but to find a seat.
What looks like the leader of the robot minions comes forward and looks Zenzeroni dead in the eye with a creepy smile on his face “I must caution against crossing the boundaries of legality and personal privacy. Respect the laws of your land and adhere to ethical guidelines when collecting information. Remember, a true knight upholds honor and integrity”. Then the robot swiftly turns and disembarks the plane joining the rest of the robot minions who begin pulling out tacos from a hatch in their stomachs.
“I will try and avoid the robot hotspots. Where we are heading there will be some danger but nothing compared to other parts of the kingdom. Just be aware that the Evil Wizard is always watching and using the taco minions to help him with his mission” The pilot says before closing the pilot door leaving Zenzeorni alone in the back of the plane to ponder the sequence of events that just unfolded.
The flight goes smoothly and they land without problems. Zenzeroni gets off the plane and waits for the pilot to come down the steps before shaking his hand “I appreciate the free ride it was an incredibly smooth flight! I didn’t feel any turbulence and the landing was as smooth as butter. What’s your name?”
“Oh, you are too kind Mr. Xystarch. My name is Akoustique. I’m a retired sea captain who decided to switch from the high seas to going sky high” Akoustique chuckles to himself and heads in the opposite direction of Zenzeroni.
Zenzeroni arrives on the Spaghetti School campus and reminisces about the good (and bad) times in his 4 years of school. Before he can even get his bearings a man comes rushing up to him and gives him a big hug “Well if it isn’t the spaghetti splitter himself” Stunned for the billionth time in one day, Zenzeroni’s best friend Linguine Zamboni lays before him. “But you’re dead”.
“What are you talking about? Does it look like I’m dead to you? You really are the same old prankster even after all this time!” He punches Zenzeroni in a joking manner.
“No. You’re dead. You were pushed into a vat of marinara sauce by one of my father's associates because you had uncovered the truth about the experiment they had done to me! You even had a letter that was given to me by your business partner after you had died explaining all this to me!”.
“Sounds like you are probably sleep-deprived from that long flight over here. Either way you have no time to sleep we have a cooking show to record!”.
“What? No, I’m here to watch the ISFL draft that’s happening…” Zenzeroni goes to look at his watch but finds that it is somehow missing. “I’m here to watch the ISFL draft that is happening I’m sure sometime real soon! Now let’s go find a TV so that we can watch it together and so that I can get my mind straight”.
“Woah there buddy I don’t think so! We can’t let all of our viewers down that have been waiting for this special return episode of Zenzeroni “The Spaghetti Splitter” Xystarch II! Anyway, you brought your stuff so you were clearly looking forward to tonight's episode just as much as I was”.
“Well yeah of course I brought my….” Zenzeroni trails off as he sees a whisk protruding from his bag. “What the hell?”. Zenzeroni rips open his bag and where he thought he had put his clothes and laptop were instead all of his cooking supplies. ”I didn’t pack this! Look, I’m happy to see you, but I don’t think I’m ready. I haven’t done a cooking show since I was a student here”.
“I’m sure you will shake off the cobwebs in no time!” And with that Zenzeroni is whisked away and to the cooking halls of Spaghetti School.
Zenzeroni enters the all too familiar halls of Spaghetti School and to the production studio where they put on various cooking shows. When they get there they are met by a chorus of boos all holding signs saying “ban kickers”.
“What the hell? I thought you said there were fans here to watch the show?”
Linguine Zamboni shrugs “Yeah about that…. When the evil wizard took over he further elevated our rival school Mario’s Meatball Madness University for Culinary Masters and forced everyone to become fans of them. They are led by Jordan “Mario” Bamford a complete schmuck that can’t cook to save his life. If you are able to defeat him that should be enough to free everyone from his evil clutches”.
As Linguine finishes his explanation there is a roar of cheers and applause as Bamford enters the studio. Bamford waves and smiles with his crazy wario-like mustache but just as he reaches his side of the kitchen he slips and falls on his face much to the amusement of the crowd who try not to laugh at Bamford’s clumsiness. Bamford rights himself and, seeing one of the people in the crowd laughing, stares him down and points at him “Bring him to the Evil Wizard right now!” within seconds the robot creatures Zenzeorni had seen earlier reappear and take the crowd member away “Ah, dear interlocutor, fear not, for I, MEE6, the valiant robot knight, am always armed”. Is the last thing Zenzeroni hears from them as they disappear through the studio door.
“Alright anyone else want to make fun of the clear bump in the floor that caused me to trip? I will need to fire whoever did the flooring in this terribly stuffy and miserable studio. Let’s get this show on the road so I can go home and count all the money I have been laundering from the bets I lose but pretend to win”.
“That was oddly specific” Zenzeroni comments.
“Yeah, I don’t know where that came from, to be honest. But you got this I will be cheering for you in spirit!” Linguine makes his way into the crowd and Zenzeroni stands at his station taking stock of the supplies and food around him.
The show starts with Bamford making extravagant motions with his hands trying to look as regal as possible but just looks like one of those crazy inflatable guys that are outside every used car salesman’s lot. “Today we are here with the terrible, evil, no good, rotten member of the kicker movement Zenzeroni Xystarch”. A loud chorus of boos emanates from the crowd as a sign lights up telling them to boo. “In today's episode, we will be competing to make the best spaghetti and meatballs and will be judged by our three wonderful judges”.
Bamford gestures to a table with three people. The first is DL whom Zenzeroni has always had an up-and-down relationship with. The second is a MEE6 bot, and the third is Zenzeroni’s long-time friend Linguine Zamboni. “These three will give their unaltered raw feedback and decide who is the best cook in the kitchen! Upon Zenzeorni’s failure to get the better of me, he will be brought before the Evil Wizard and sentenced to life without kicking and will have his legs chopped off as punishment for his revolting ways!” The crowd cheers and Bamford takes a bow which causes his mustache to come off slightly as Zenzeorni discovers his mustache is actually fake.
“Wait wh–”
“Alright, and the time starts now!”. Bamford rushes behind his station accidentally bumping into his table and sending his cooking equipment sprawling across the ground. Zenzeroni calmly takes stock of the situation, takes a deep breath, and begins making his favorite dish, spaghetti and meatballs.
Zenzeroni works at a feverish speed flying across the kitchen like the true veteran he is. The crowd ooooooos and ahhhhs at everything Zenzreoni does as his dish masterfully comes together. On the other side of the kitchen, things aren’t going nearly as smoothly. Mario Bamford, who thought he could “fake it till you make it” has no idea what he is doing or where to even begin. He attempts to make dough but instead of using flour uses sugar and his mix is way too liquidy as he poured water into the bowl with the sugar. Zenzeorni chuckles to himself as he masterfully adds the perfect amount of flour, salt, milk, and eggs leading to the perfect dough for his noodles as his dish comes together just as he wants it to. After making the individual noodles, he shifts his focus over to the marinara sauce.
This is something he has done countless times before and never had a problem with, but when he goes to cut the tomatoes they begin moving on their own. Then start floating around his head. Then he begins hearing a sound coming from them. And as he focuses more and more on them the sound isn’t just sound, it’s little tiny voices coming from the Tomatos “Ban kickers! Ban kickers! Ban kickers!” They repeat over and over again. Zenzeroni tries to cover his ears but the voices still persist. Eventually, after what feels like an eternity, another voice can be heard above the sound of the crazy tomatoes, “Zen, Zenzeroni, Zen you ok?”.
Zenzeroni opens his eyes and sees Linguine in front of him and the tomatoes untouched on the cutting board before him. “Yeah I just had something very strange happen just now. But I’m ok now”.
“Alright well, you better hurry you have 5 minutes to finish your dish”. Zenzeroni looks at the clock in shock and looks at the unfinished sauce and uncooked noodles before him. Meanwhile, Bamford had magically pulled it together and had the best noodles Zen had ever seen and was in the process of stirring his sauce that looked like it had all the right seasoning. Zenzeroni couldn’t believe Bamford could turn his miserable start around until he saw movement under Bamford’s station and noticed the tiny robot minions slaving away doing all the work for him. But as Bamford picked up the sauce bowl to bring it over to the noodles, he once more tripped and fell sending the marinara sauce all over himself and his kitchen. Once more the crowd had to stifle their laughter at the sheer stupidity and ineptness of Bamford. Zenzeroni realized he still had a chance to win the competition and worked at light speed to finish the sauce and cook the noodles as much as he could.
The timer hits 0 and the alarms go off. Zenzeroni and the marinara-covered Mario Bamford put their hands up as both dishes are done for better or worse. The dishes are brought over to the three judges who inspect both dishes starting with Zenzeroni. The first judge, DL, inspects the plate and twirls his fork around the plate before taking the tiniest bite imaginable. He slowly chews before spitting it out. The crowd gasps in shock “Undercooked, not enough seasoning, and where are the meatballs?”.
“I didn’t have time chef”.
“I could make a spaghetti and meatballs in half the time you were given. That is a terrible excuse. With those low points aside the dish was quite pleasant. The sauce was a perfect consistency and the pasta had all the right ingredients. It’s just a shame you weren’t able to cook your noodles properly. And the missing meatballs are another big miss”.
“Understood chef. Thank you”.
Next, the robot minion looks at the food, picks up a fork, and begins mashing the dish with the fork sending the food flying everywhere “Tacos, traditionally, are bestowed with a glorious crispness, achieved through the art of frying or grilling. The notion of boiling a taco seems rather unorthodox, for it risks compromising the textural symphony that is the hallmark of this delectable dish. I would therefore advise against the pursuit of boiled tacos and instead encourage you to revel in the golden, crunchy embrace of a meticulously fried or grilled creation”.
“Um. Ok….Thank you chef”.
Finally, Zenzeroni’s good friend Linguine takes the remaining plate and attempts to pick apart and find a piece of the dish that has enough food to make a proper opinion. “Well I wasn’t really able to get a good taste of the dish but like our first judge Mr. DL said, missing the meatballs is a big factor considering it is one of the two main parts of the dish Spaghetti and MEATBALLS”.
“Understood chef. Thank you for your constructive criticism”.
Linguine sets the remaining dish to the side as DL grabs Mario Bamford's dish. The dish has no sauce whatsoever but has the noodles and meatballs that were clearly not made by him. The judge takes a bite and then another, and another eating half the plate.
“Good sir this is the most splendid concoction I have ever tasted! I really like your innovative take on a classic dish such as spaghetti and meatballs. This literal take should honestly be the new norm”. The judge passes the dish over to the robot minion who stares at it and raises his hand in preparation to smash his hand down like he did last time but Linguine yanks the plate away before he can “Ah, a reverse taco, a concept that tickles the imagination! In the realm of gastronomy, a reverse taco would be a peculiar creation indeed. Picture, if you will, a delectable culinary delight where the roles of the tortilla and the filling are reversed”.
“Let’s see what we have here”. Linguine takes a bite of Mario’s spaghetti, cringes without the sauce and puts on a forced smile, “This dish is….excellent. Good job at improvising a true masterclass in never giving up!”.
DL claps his hands together “Alright I think it’s time we vote! After analyzing both dishes I think hands down the best dish was Mario’s”. A thunderous round of applause from the crowd begins with one person even beginning to cry (from happiness or sadness it can’t be determined).
The robot minion steps up on the table and proclaims, “Ah, greetings, noble interlocutor! I wholeheartedly concur with your sentiment. Let us celebrate the bard's accomplishments with a hearty feast of tacos in their honor!”. More applause as Linguine clears his throat and stands up “Zenzeroni, your dish was I’m sure excellent but Mario is…..” Linguine pauses for a second with a pained look on his face “Mario is the better chef today”.
Zenzeroni, in a fit of anger, charges directly at Mario pulls back his leg, and slams it right into Mario’s meatballs. But instead of connecting with Mario’s meatballs, Zenzeroni’s leg goes flying through the trench coat as Mario practically explodes sending little creatures everywhere. Turns out, Mario Bamford was just a bunch of robot minions dressed in a trenchcoat. Seeing that their ruse had been foiled they scurry off, likely to inform the Evil Wizard of the new boss in town Zenzeroni Xystarch II.
Zenzeroni still fuming mad swipes up his belongings and begins storming out of the studio when he hears cheers echoing throughout the studio. But this time, the cheers sounded genuine, and they weren’t for Mario Bamford but for himself. Zenzeroni straightens his posture before taking an elegant bow and then shakes the hand of his good friend. “You have saved us all for now but I fear the Evil Wizard’s shadow still looms large. You must put a stop to the Evil Wizard’s robot minion empire and put a stop to his reign over Taco Town!”. Linguine escorts Zenzeroni off campus and back on a plane where the pilot Akoustique was already waiting.
“But what about the draft? Surely I won’t get back in time for the draft!”.
Linguine shakes his head solemnly “There won’t be a draft if the Evil Wizard has anything to do with it. At least not for you. This is your only chance so you have to take it!”. Linguine closes the cabin door leaving Zenzeroni alone with his thoughts once more as Akoustique gets into position and begins his normal pre-flight procedures.
“I’m afraid this next place isn’t going to be much better”. He says before shutting the pilot door.
The flight once again goes as smooth as butter and Zenzeroni looks outside to see a giant sign right before landing that reads “Welcome to London Berlin”.
Zenzeroni shakes his head and blinks a couple of times trying to wake himself up and see straight but by the time he does this, the plane has already gone past the sign and is nearing touchdown. Zen gets off the plane as he remains confused like he has for the past however long this whole situation has gone on for and asks Akoustique “Where are we?”.
“London Berlin of course! It’s the second biggest city outside of the evil wizards home in all of Taco Town!”.
“And what exactly are we doing here?”
“Well since you have already helped Spaghetti School rid themselves of the evil wizard's clutches, we thought you could do the same for London Berlin! Golden Boote rules with an iron boot and we need your help to free the city! He is in cahoots with the evil Orange Julius who serves OJ that keeps people under the influence of the evil wizard”.
“Right…so I need to stop this OJ from being sold and stop people from drinking it to get the people of London Berlin out of the trance that they are in?”.
“Correct. But be careful Golden Boote often hires multis as mercenaries to prevent people like you from saving the city”.
“Ok, I will see what I can do I suppose?”. Zen says as he gathers his belongings and adventures into the city. And Akoustique the pilot was not joking when he said OJ was being served in the city. It was being sold at every single corner of every single street. And every single person had a cup of OJ in their hands and were walking happily along. At the center of the city, Zenzeroni found a statue of Golden Foote which was 10 stories tall and depicted Golden Foote with a cup of OJ in his hand as he was in the middle of kicking a football. Zenzeroni continued to marvel at the statue until someone tapped him on the shoulder and turning around he found a very eccentric happy man who looked shockingly like the statue. The man held his hand out with a cup of OJ offering it to Zenzeroni. “Hello! I noticed you didn’t have any OJ so I went and got you a cup!”
“No thanks. I’m not really thirsty right now”.
Zenzeroni attempts to move away from the man but another approaches from the opposite direction. “Oh, come on! You could really go for a cup of OJ. Nothing like a cup of OJ in the morning to get you started!” Zenzeorni once more tries to steer away from the two men but a third, and fourth, and fifth, and soon enough it felt like half the city had surrounded Zenzeorni in an attempt to hand him a cup of OJ and drink it until a booming voice causes the crowd to clear.
“Zenzeroni. I have been expecting you. Please let me introduce myself”. Zenzeroni looks around for the voice until he gazes upon quite the sight. A man appears from the crowd being held up by four people as he sits atop a throne. Zenzeroni immediately recognizes him to be Golden Foote based on his feet that were adorned in incredibly shiny gold boots that were on a pedestal in view of everyone. The crowd continues to make room for Golden Foote who, upon reaching Zenzeroni, lifts his hand up and the people carrying him immediately stop. But Golden Foote does not get up. Instead, he addresses Zenzeroni from the comfort of his throne. “Zenzeroni it brings me great sadness you have not accepted this delicious OJ from my fellow friends. Golden Eye was so thoughtful to bring you a drink, as was Golden Arm, and Golden Nose. In fact, this whole city has been wonderful to you and all you do is reject them? I’m so enraged I forgot to introduce myself! I am Golden Foote and you shall be looking up to me for years…nay… centuries to come! For I will be drafted before you in the ISFL draft! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Golden Foote begins coughing and one of his servants offers him OJ which he hits out of the servant's hand sending it spilling across the floor. “I have been tasked with leading London Berlin to great victory by the evil wizard himself!”.
“Wait, so you literally call him the evil wizard? Don’t you think that’s kind of weird. Like If you think he’s evil then why are you helping him?”.
“I hadn’t thought about that. That was just kind of the nickname everyone was giving him so I thought it was pretty normal. Huh, maybe you are on to something….”.
“Don’t be a fool he is using his trick plays to get you to side with him!” A new figure steps forward behind Golden Foote in a giant Orange Juice costume.
“Orange Julius what the hell is going on here? Take off that stupid costume. Whatever is going on here can you stop it. I’m trying to go home and watch the draft”.
“The draft is pointless! You won’t be drafted as the evil wizard has decreed! Golden Foote has been drafted only because he is to uphold the integrity and honor of the evil wizard and his taco minion army and despite what many think Golden Foote is actually anti-kicker and has been posing as a kicker to get closer and shut down the kicking operation from the inside!”.
“Orange Julius. I am tired of this bullshit. I wake up, have to compete in some cooking competition, and now find out you are spiking your drinks to make people listen to anything the evil wizard says. And now I’m starting to sound like a crazy person”.
Golden Foote barges into the conversation “Drink this OJ with my fellow Taco Town family and all your crazy thoughts and feelings will go away”. Golden Foote pours a glass of OJ and offers it to Zenzeorni.
Zenzeroni, thinking fast on his feet says “Wow is that the evil wizard?”. Zenzeroni points in a random direction and when everyone turns to look Zenzeroni runs off disappearing into the crowd. In the time that Orange Julius and Golden Foote took to go on their monologue, Zenzeroni had come up with an ingenious plan. He ran around the city using his surprising stamina to avoid the Golden Foote multis chasing him down every corner until he reached his destination, a giant water tower overlooking the entire city. Zenzeroni used his super strong kicking leg and with one kick to the base of the water tower, it tumbled down and spilled water down the building flooding the entire town. The water drowned out the Orange Juice and rehydrated everyone in London Berlin with the correct form of liquid and cleared their thoughts allowing them to think freely for the first time since the evil wizard had taken over.
Meanwhile, Golden Foote sat in a puddle with his golden boots sopping wet and all he could do was whine and pout along with Orange Julius next to him in the costume that looked extremely depressing now that it had been soaked through. “You may have defeated us but nothing can stop the evil wizard from banning kickers for good!” Orange Julius yelled at Zenzeroni as he marched his way out of town with the townspeople cheering for him the whole way to his plane.
“Thank you so much Sir Xystarch the city of London Berlin is forever thankful for what you have done for them today. But it is now time to face the biggest threat to our very existence, the evil wizard himself. I must warn you he has gotten increasingly scarier and unpredictable as time has gone on. Apparently, his taco minions aren’t cooperating with him properly leading to him using more and more desperate measures to ban kickers. But I trust that you will put a stop to this madness and all of Taco Town will be free again!”. Akoustique tells him.
And so Zenzeroni takes one last flight on Air Akoustique. As they get closer and closer to their destination the land below gets darker and darker, more and more trees dot the ground, and smoke and fog fill the air. Zenzeroni disembarks and immediately begins coughing with all the smoke and fog in the air. “Do you have any warnings for me this time around?” Zenzeroni asks.
“The Evil Wizard uses the ghosts of his victims as a shield to block himself from anyone looking for him. Do not allow them to get in your head because if you aren’t careful you could become one of them yourself”. And with that, Akoustique gets on the plane and leaves.
“Wait how am I supposed to get back?” Zenzeroni calls out as the plane takes off.
Alone on the landing strip with nothing but trees, smoke, and fog for as far as the eye can see, Zenzeroni picks a direction and begins walking. Zenzeroni walks, and walks, and walks with no end in sight, no perception of time, no idea if it is day or night but he continues to walk, and walk, and walk until he hears a voice “Tua goes back to pass and down he goes! Big sack for….” Zenzeroni looks around for the voice.
“Hello? Who’s there?”. Zenzeroni hears nothing more so he continues to walk until a short time later another voice can be heard:
“Lenard gets the ball on his own 20 trying to find an open man and he is swallowed up!”. Zenzeroni spins around trying to see who could be saying this but once again no one is around.
Zenzeroni walks at a more careful pace trying to see anything out of the ordinary when he hears the voice again “Austin Gausman will be feeling that one after such a strong hit by…..”. And this time out of the corner of his eye Zenzeroni sees something crashing into a tree sending dead leaves and branches tumbling down.
Zenzeroni takes a step back and is met immediately with another voice “There is no hope for Octavian as he is swallowed up for the sack”. And another loud crash opposite of where he heard the previous one but he turns to look and there is nothing there.
“Josh Patterson is lucky to have gotten up after that sack as……continues to rack up and add to the sack counter”. BOOM a loud sound directly next to Zenzeorni sends him in a full sprint through the woods. Not looking back to see what it was, Zenzeroni takes off running as more and more voices filter in through the fog “SACKED”, “Might as well quit” “He has no hope”, “Give up” “GOOD NIGHT!”. Zenzeroni stumbles and trips over a tree root sending him tumbling to the ground.
“And that’s going to do it for Maximus Boudreaux being carted off the field after a brutal injury by…..” Zenzeroni lays there for a moment then slowly sits up and looks ahead at the path before him and sees a giant silhouetted figure standing 100 yards ahead of him. The figure is in a football like pose and, as if on cue, as soon as Zenzeorni makes eye contact the figure sprints full speed at Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni, paralyzed in fear doesn’t get up, just sits there in full panic with his hands and arms covering his head as he prepares for the hit but just as he is about to get hit the figure is pancaked by someone Zenzeroni hadn’t seen that must have been hiding behind one of the trees. Zenzeroni brushes himself off and rushes over to where he saw the pancake take place but when he gets there, there’s nothing but a pile of dead leaves.
Still shaken by the encounter Zenzeroni marches forward and in the distance, Zenzeorni begins to see a giant taco castle. Taco Castle is the best descriptor for it because it is literally a castle shaped like a taco. But the castle looks to be in disrepair with everything worn down and overgrown. Zenzeorni knocks on the big oak door but when no one answers he pushes it open causing it to creak.
Zenzeroni walks through the empty halls of what must have been at one time, a beautiful castle. No one seems to be around and even animals seem to have avoided making their home here. Zenzeroni makes it to the great hall where a taco throne is nestled at the far center wall. Zenzeroni makes his way over to the throne which seems to have been in use somewhat recently as there is still some fresh lettuce on the throne steps but there is no one to be seen. Zenzeroni assumes the castle must be empty, at least for the time being, until he hears a sound, quiet at first but after focusing in he can make it out more clearly.
Crying. Someone, not that far away, was crying. Zenzeroni knew he needed to help whoever was in trouble and raced around the castle until he found the Wizard’s quarters and behind the bedroom door was where the crying was coming from. Zenzeroni braced himself and opened the door and what lay before him was shocking.
Thor Dangerson sat, with a taco crown sitting forlornly on his head, with a taco minion in his hands, and was weeping uncontrollably. Thor took one glance up before resuming looking down at his taco minion “I don’t know what I did wrong! They, they, they gave up on me! After everything we have been through! After everything I have done for them! They just stopped working with me!”. Thor says more to himself than to Zenzeroni. Zenzeroni looks at the lifeless taco minion in Thor’s hands and realizes what has happened.
“You used up all your commands didn’t you?”. Zenzeroni says and sits down next to Thor.
“I didn’t know it was possible! I designed them to be indestructible!”.
“Everything good must come to an end eventually. Maybe this is for the better. Maybe it will allow you to focus on what really matters. We may not have always gotten along but I’d hate to see your talents be used up talking to a robot all day. Even if you were trying to ban kickers I know your intentions were good. Maybe we need to team up and work together”.
“You mean that?”
“Well look, I heard what you are capable of out in those woods and I’d rather not be on the other side of that”.
“How did you get past the spooky forest anyway?”.
“I don’t really know. There was something or someone that tackled one of those scary ghost figures that seemed to save me”.
“Huh, I wonder what that could have been. I thought the ghosts around here would drive you away. And that final ghost is my past self continuing to wreak havoc in the DSFL and stop anyone from entering my castle. Well whoever, or whatever it was, I’m glad it stopped me this one time”.
“Where are we anyways?”.
“Yellowknife of course. This is where I’m getting drafted. Why are you here?”.
“To stop you from banning kickers and spreading your taco minions throughout the world”.
“Are you sure about that?”
“What do you–”
Zenzeroni gets slapped across the face.
“Triceracop he just got hit in the head by a 2x4 that is no way to wake him back up” a voice sounding shockingly like honey says.
Zenzeroni rubs his eyes and slowly sits up but feels a pulsing pain in his head and lays right back down. “What the hell happened?” Zenzeroni groans.
“You were out like a light for the past 24 hours. When I found you you were sprawled out across your restaurant floor as the flooding began”. Triceracop says.
“Flooding? There was no flooding. It missed us”. Zenzeroni tries to get up quickly as he has a realization “Is Spaghetti School okay? How is London Berlin?! The taco minions were stopped right?!”.
Triceracop holds Zenzeroni firmly down in bed to stop him from injuring himself “Woah there cowboy, looks like someone’s just a bit concussed”. Triceracop chuckles.
“No, but you were there Triceracop don’t you remember. And honey! You were the good GM of the South don’t you remember? And Akoustique where is he? He was my pilot!”.
“Alright let’s get you some food and drink to clear your head a bit” Triceracop says producing a grilled cheese sandwich and orange juice to drink.
“YES! And Orange Julius! I saved London Berlin from Golden Foote and Orange Julius by flooding the town with water!”.
“I’d say that is the opposite of what is going on around these parts” Triceracop says. And Zenzeroni looks outside to see the streets with at least two feet of water. “You know, I tried to let you into the apartment when you got home from your walk but you didn’t pay attention to me”. Triceracop says.
“I’m sorry I guess I just had a lot on my mind. Did I miss the draft?”.
“Funnily enough, no. It will be coming on in a couple of hours. Do you know who is going to pick you up?”.
“I’ve got a pretty good idea,” Zenzeroni says chuckling to himself as he takes a big swig of Orange Juice.
Howdy! I am responsible for quite possibly the greatest kicker to ever grace the ISFL and am the most accomplished media writer the ISFL has ever seen (no need to ask anyone else regarding either of those claims)
Important Media You Must Read If You Want To Be Cool Like Me
The Villainous Jreed12: The Case Against the WEAKly Mirror|Jreed is a multi|Coming soon
The Truth About Baron1898: The Self Proclaimed Queen|The Evil Queen|The Curse of Venus|The Truth
The Year of the Joker: Year of the Joker|Doubling Down|Bye to Losers|Win or Not?|Last Dance
Read the full 56 Chapter Book of Zen Catalog here: The Book of Zen
Miscellaneous Articles: The Clown Car Four|The Nauseating Nine|1 Star Mcdonalds Prospect Analysis
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