05-03-2024, 07:58 PM
(This post was last modified: 05-04-2024, 01:50 PM by lemonoppy. Edited 1 time in total.)
GRADERS: 60/40 Split for @lock180/@homercrates
A Preface to the Prologue of the Book of Zen
2x media for fantasy and mock huh? I suppose the creative writing scene is a dying breed then. That’s alright. You know how people fake their own deaths to see if anyone would miss them? Well, man did the media scene miss me holy smokes the whole league was practically begging me to come back and I had all of you right where I wanted you. Changing my name, posting non-sensical things in discord. Getting multiple media articles written about me when I wasn't even in the media scene the entire season all because the ISFL wanted to know what I would do next. Sure lemonoppy makes better media content than me and I'm sure there are other people (caleb.grim) that THINK they deserve the title more than me but we all know the truth. I am and will always be, the media king.Time to get a bit serious, one season ago I announced my retirement from media for a season and said it was because of all good things. That was partly true. Writing media requires having a pulse on the league which means being constantly into what is happening in all aspects, especially with the drama I attempted to facilitate in my final season. Frankly, it burned me out. It was some of the most fun writing I’ve ever done but it required a lot more work and attention to the league than I would like. Kind of like when your hobby becomes your job and you start to hate it that’s what it felt like writing the media but things were getting juicy so I felt good about writing it but it became a time issue of when I was able to fit it into my increasingly busy schedule. Looking on Discord 24/7 and looking through stats and videos was more work than I was prepared for. Now with a job coming up that won’t allow me to be on Discord 24/7 and likely being less tuned into the league and not being able to watch games live I still wanted to do something. And I know Jreed is/was expecting some scathing scorched earth piece that is my grand return to the media scene so that he can whine and moan and create more media but I’m sorry Jreed that fad for me has gone by the wayside (and I guess it has for you as well). Instead, I had the idea of fleshing out the character of Zenzeroni Xystarch II. Not what most people may want or care about and I understand if you decide to skip this series but it has kept me busy these past months and engaged in the league and given me the opportunity to dabble into something I’ve always wanted to do as a hobby.
I promised lemonoppy upon my return that I would publish a media piece every day and I plan to keep that promise and I think posting these bite-sized mini stories and plotlines is the perfect way of doing that. I love posting media and think it is one of the more underrated aspects of the league and while I don’t know how often I will be able to do so after this series is over, I will do my best to throw some stuff up when I can and poke the bear when I can.
Enough blabbering on and on and on let’s get into it……..56 days, 1 chapter a day, enjoy the backstory and life of Zenzeroni Xystarch II
*I don’t pretend to be a legitimate author and this may be some of the cheesiest dumbest writing you have ever seen. Read at your own risk.
The Book of Zen
The following is a recounting of the life of Zenzeroni through the eyes of Zenzeroni, his family members, friends, enemies, fans, and everything in between. Throughout this 56 chapter series, you may find yourself crying, laughing, dancing, swimming, running, or any other involuntary action. If this happens, we at Squid Inc. are not responsible for anything that may happen as a result of these involuntary actions.*Common side effects may include headache, nausea, dizziness, drowsiness, or gastrointestinal upset stomach with serious side effects that may be severe or life-threatening including allergic reactions, liver damage, heart problems, or psychiatric symptoms.
AD #1 The Weakly Mirror (should be Weekly. Need to fix in post. Giving them free publicity because they REALLY need it right now)
Are you sick of the boring truth? Do you get annoyed at all of the GOOD media being put out there? Well if that’s the case look no further than the revolutionary new GEMINI AWARD WINNING Series the Weakly Mirror! Not only does it shove lies down your throats but it is some of the worst journalism you will ever read! From blatant rehashing’s of old stories to corrupt senior writers who steal all of their hard working employee's money, you are sure to be disgusted by the awful unprofessionalism that is included in the Weakly Mirror! Likely having blackmailed all competition into not speaking up, the Weakly Mirror prides itself on revolutionizing the ISFL media industry (despite not revolutionizing anything and relying on Zenzeroni for all of their stories. But that’s okay because Zenzeroni is a caring and thoughtful individual) and thrusting unknown and controversial users into the spotlight such as Bamford and McGriddy. So if you are bored out of your mind with nothing to do make sure to check out The Weakly Mirror for all your white noise sleeping device needs!*Editor’s Note: The Weekly Mirror has gone under do we still keep the ad in?
**Editor 2: It would be more work to take it out than to keep it in. I say just keep it in.
*Editor: Good point. Plus we can profit from it since it adds to the word count
**Editor 2: We should probably stop adding edits. The readers are probably getting bored and they haven’t even made it to the actual media yet
*Editor: Oh yeah….
Prologue
“He is going to be born nood.”“Nude? That’s pretty obvious doctor, how in the world would he be wearing any clothes at birth?”
“You misunderstand. Your son will be born nood. Short for noodle.”
“Noodle? What the hell are you talking about?”
“We just did the ultrasound to confirm but it is a rare condition where certain body parts become noodles.”
“And what body part is it going to be?” Zizi asks the doctor.
“I’m afraid it is going to be his arms.”
Chapter 1: Trouble in Baltimore
ILLUSTRATION BY: Thor Dangerson
Zenzeroni tries to pick up the baseball for the thousandth time but is unable to do so. “Come on noodle arms we’ve got a game to play. If you aren’t going to pick up the damn ball go sit on the bench with the rest of the losers.” The coach for the Baltimore Oreos shouts from the dugout.
Zenzeroni looks down at the baseball one last time before forlornly walking off the mound and into the dugout. In the dugout, his older brother Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch brushes past him hitting Zenzeroni in the shoulder and knocking him to the ground. Zenzic spits on him before leaving the dugout and getting a standing ovation from his adoring fans.
This was Zenzeroni’s last chance to impress his parents. He was 7 years old and was trying to play for his local little league team but with his noodle arms, there was no way he could throw the ball and no way for him to hold a bat to hit the ball. As a Xystarch this was about as bad a look as it could get. His father, Zenzeroni Xystarch Sr. had won multiple baseball championships in his long and decorated career. His mother, Zizi Xystarch, was a multi Olympic gold softball champion as well. His brother, Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch would go on to have one of the best rookie seasons ever for the major league Baltimore Orioles before his career took a nose dive culminating in Zenzic disappearing altogether. But we are getting ahead of ourselves.
Zenzeroni Xystarch Sr. storms into the dugout looking like a crazy tomato (not THE Crazy Tomato) with his face beat red with anger and grabs Zenzeroni by the collar. “You are a disappointment to this entire family and you should be ashamed of yourself.” Zenzeroni looks across the field to the stands where his mother is sitting and shaking her head in disappointment. Zenzeroni’s father gives one last look of disgust at his son before walking out of the dugout and returning to the “dad zone” where all the dads of little league players congregate to complain about the 16 year old umpire.
Zenzeroni takes a seat on the bench next to a kid that pissed himself earlier in the game and another that is sound asleep. As Zenzic warms up on the mound Zenzeroni’s mind wanders before snapping back to attention as he feels something sharp in his arm. He twists to see the kid that pissed himself trying to gnaw on one of his noodle arms. Zenzeroni pulls it back quickly. “It looked good. What was I supposed to do? Not try to eat it?” the kid asks before going back to building his Haterade cup tower.
Zenzeroni’s attention shifts to his brother on the mound as he watches what his parents always wanted. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strikeout. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strikeout. Strike. Strike. Strike. Strikeout. In 9 pitches his brother had struck out all 3 batters. An immaculate inning. His brother, who was 2 years older, had already made the all star team every season of eligibility. Meanwhile, Zenzeroni was trying his hand at little league for the first official time.
After his father had tried and tried to get Zenzeroni to play and throw the ball he was hoping by some miracle being in a competitive environment would unlock something in Zenzeroni. It did not and Zenzeroni Sr. felt like he couldn’t have a son that could tarnish his reputation so he whispered something in Zizi’s ear. She looked surprised at first then seemed to understand what was said and gave a confident nod. It seemed that whatever was decided was set in stone and no matter what anyone said, nothing would change their minds.
Howdy! I am responsible for quite possibly the greatest kicker to ever grace the ISFL and am the most accomplished media writer the ISFL has ever seen (no need to ask anyone else regarding either of those claims)
Important Media You Must Read If You Want To Be Cool Like Me
The Villainous Jreed12: The Case Against the WEAKly Mirror|Jreed is a multi|Coming soon
The Truth About Baron1898: The Self Proclaimed Queen|The Evil Queen|The Curse of Venus|The Truth
The Year of the Joker: Year of the Joker|Doubling Down|Bye to Losers|Win or Not?|Last Dance
Read the full 56 Chapter Book of Zen Catalog here: The Book of Zen
Miscellaneous Articles: The Clown Car Four|The Nauseating Nine|1 Star Mcdonalds Prospect Analysis