06-15-2024, 09:51 PM
(This post was last modified: 06-17-2024, 08:29 PM by wetwilleh. Edited 1 time in total.)
The Book of Zen
Chapter 43: Exclusive Interview with Coach George Threemen
BREAKING NEWS: Spaghetti School Football Coach Arrested on Suspicion of giving his players performance enhancing drugs
Breaking News out of New Zealand after it was uncovered that Coach George Threemen of the Spaghetti School Spaghetti Monsters who lost the Culinary Football Championship earlier this week was found to be spiking the Haterade that the players drank before games with a secret concoction created in the kitchen that improved the players “clutch factors” and overall performance especially at the end of games. This revelation was found out after Zenzeroni Xystarch II, kicker for the Spaghetti School Spaghetti Monsters SNITCHED to authorities about what had gone on behind the scenes. The Spaghetti School were riding an undefeated season before Zenzeroni missed a game winning field goal. His despair likely led to him lashing out against his team who likely now hate him. Signing off for now,
Zenzizenzizenzic Xystarch, Reporter for the New Zealand Newspaper Chronicle Column Tribune Post Times Today Dispatch Digest Journal
Following George Threemen’s arrest in which he was sentenced to life in prison we were able to arrange an interview to get a better picture of what was going on at the school at the time and get some insight into Zenzeroni from a perspective that wasn’t his own. The following are the real questions and real answers that our incredibly talented team conducted with former Spaghetti Monsters Head Coach George Threemen:
Interviewer: First of all, we want to thank you for meeting with us and giving us the opportunity to chat with you about the unfortunate events that have occurred here recently. How are you doing?
George: Prison changes you…… I used to be a fun guy who just wanted the best for everyone. Now I don’t know what would happen if I got released.
Interviewer: You’ve been in prison for a day.
George: And in that time there is so much I have learned…
Interviewer: Okay, well we were wondering what made you think to use what is pretty much performance enhancing drugs to give your team the edge?
George: At Spaghetti School we as head chefs are encouraged to experiment with different dishes and I had been working on dishes that could potentially improve your everyday life in a healthy efficient manner and eventually I found that in the haterade concoction.
Interviewer: Let’s get back to that head chef status you mentioned. It was found in documents revealed in court that you are NOT actually a head chef and were posing as a distant cousin of George Foreman. H—
George: A bunch of malarky if you ask me! I’m a head chef who went to Columbia (the country) University! I learned from the best in the business and carved my own path to get to where I was at Spaghetti School.
Interviewer: Spaghetti School doesn’t have all that great of a reputation in the Culinary Arts system is that the reason behind trying to impress with the football team and using drugs to do so?
George: Nonsense! Spaghetti School is the finest establishment in the world! The judges that decide who is the “best” are a bunch of phonies and likely paid off by Mario himself!
Interviewer: Did trying to beat Mario and his school have anything to do with your performance enhancing drugs?
George: Like I said earlier, I was trying to create a dish that would be perfect for all athletes allowing them to be and feel strong despite not working out. Mario is a whole other story that I don’t want to get into. He thinks he rules the world and is the cream of the corn when in reality he is just a measly piece of basil on the top of a spaghetti bolognese. Was that a good analogy?
Interviewer: I’m not really sure what you meant by that but I was wondering what your relationship with Zenzeroni Xystarch II is following him outing you for spiking the haterade.
George: Things go south and everyone tries to find the scapegoat. He missed the kick I sure as hell didn’t and as a result of his ignorance by not drinking the haterade before the game he lost the championship. In doing so he realized he would get all the flack so he deflected the blame on me when I was the one who did everything in my power to help him. The only reason he is still at that school is because of ME. He is the worst chef I have ever seen and will never amount to anything. Had it not been for me allowing him onto the football team and giving him practically superhuman abilities, he would have been thrown out of this school faster than you can say “Mama Mia” and that’s just the cold hard truth.
Interviewer: Have you talked with him at all since being arrested?
George: Why would I talk to that backstabbing noodle armed loser? He’s likely in cahoots with Mario. Actually, now that I think of it I bet this was Mario’s plan all along. He has always hated me and to get revenge he probably tipped Zenzeroni off. I wouldn’t be surprised to see Zenzeroni in a Triple Ms jersey next season because Zenzeroni has no allegiance to the school, to the game, to his friends, or his non existent family.
Interviewer: Well alright then. Anything else you would like to say?
George: Yes. While in prison I will be selling a new product called the Threemen Toaster. It will be on sale for $26.24 which should have been the final score of the game had Zenzeroni not eaten his fruit loops and gone loopy before the game. These toasters are the highest quality bang for your buck toasters you’ve ever seen. They’ve got—
Interviewer: And times up. Thank you for your time George and I hope you find peace.
Author’s Note: Following George’s unveiling of the Threemen Toaster he was sued multiple times by various parties alleging fraud, impersonation and countless other charges. George has since gone missing from the New Zealand Culinary Council Prison and left a note declaring he would get his revenge on Zenzeroni……
Howdy! I am responsible for quite possibly the greatest kicker to ever grace the ISFL and am the most accomplished media writer the ISFL has ever seen (no need to ask anyone else regarding either of those claims)
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Read the full 56 Chapter Book of Zen Catalog here: The Book of Zen
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